Thanksgiving

Song: Falling- The Civil Wars.
I WILL COVER THIS AS SOON AS POSSIBLE, because it is beautiful. <3  But anyway, it's thanksgiving,  so I'm doing a list. oh, how i love lists. this is an "i'm thankful for" list. which is nowhere near complete, but i am lazy and in Daytona, and so this is what happened. I love you all. <3

These ladies are my heroes. <3 I am so thankful for my choir,
I would not trade it for the whole entire world.

I am thankful for Elsie. (: This is my best friend in the entire world. Whether we are having near death experiences,  or laughing until we cannot breathe, or totally creeping people's backyeards *cough cough*, or dicussing life and boy drama, she's always been there for me. I love her to death, and she is one of the most absolutely beautiful people I know. <3

I am thankful for Bri. This right here is my sister, and we're gonna get married on the same day  and go to California and become famous. We have a little too much fun on all accounts, and think just alike.

 

I am thankful for my mommy. <3 She does so much for me, and teaches me how to be a better person. She's not only my mom, but my friend, and I love her so much.

I am thankful for Kyle. <3 For being the only person in the universe to consistently read my blog, and  for automatically making my day better when he talks to me. Kyle, I'm going to tell you this, because I don't think you believe it: you are one of the single most wonderful people in the universe. You are intelligent, and hilarious. You are fun to be around, a great friend, and so many other things. I can't even tell you how much you mean to me, because you know just about everything about me, and you never judge, and you still look at me the same way. I adore you, and I cannot wait until we get platonically married and move to europe and drive a kia soul with a transformers sticker on the back and adopt turtles and drink hazelnut coffee and play scrabble all the time and you have an affair with the maid, and I have an affair with the pool boy and then we have our own reality tv show. That will be the life. Anyway. Suffice to say that I love you. <3

I'm thankful for ALL of my friends, you know who you are. I'd have to dedicate an entire blog to typing all of you up, but I ADORE you.

I am thankful for Jak. I will be cheesy here, because it is my blog and you can x out if you want. What can I even begin to say about this boy?  He's mine, for starters, and I'm so glad. He's not just my boyfriend, he's my bestfriend. He's the first person I want to tell when something happens, and the last person I want to hear from before I fall asleep.  He has stretched my capacity to love and care for someone infinitely, and changed my outlook on long term relationships. (and those of you who know me, well. you know that's a big deal. ) He's made me believe that, maybe there actually is such a thing as a relationship that can last. I can honestly say that I love him, and I want nothing more than for him to be happy. He's the stars in my night sky, and I'm thankful for everything he does- i'm thankful that he makes me feel beautiful, and reads me dr.seuss on the phone before bed. that he can make me believe that everything will be okay, and that he makes me want to be a better person. i'm grateful to him for teaching me what it means to love someone like a partner, and how it feels to be unconditionally loved. Jak, I love you, and I am beyond a doubt thankful to have you in my life.

Oh, and I'm thankful for Dr.Pepper. Just sayin.

and, i will leave you all with a thaksgiving poem. by e.e.cummings

“thank You God for most this amazing
day: for the leaping greenly spirits of trees
and a blue dream of sky;and for everything
which is natural which is infinite which is yes
(i who have died am alive again today,
and this is the sun’s birthday;this is the birth
day of life and love and wings;and of the gay
great happening ilimitably earth)
how should tasting touching hearing seeing
breathing any - lifted from the no
of all nothing - human merely being
doubt unimaginable You?
(now the ears of my ears awake and
now the eyes of my eyes are opened)”

My Christmas/Birthday List... for the next 5 years

SOTW: Bass Down Low- Dev feat. The Cataracts
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7Ql2m68NiW8
i found it on a compilation cd, and i've been blasting it in my little cruiser ever since.

Anyway, it's FINALLY getting cold outside. I for one am equal parts excited and dreading it. My makeup won't melt off anymore... but my feet will probably freeze. Oh well. News, news, news. I have to update everyone~~ I've been so busy with college that I haven't had much time for blogging.
Well, my classes are going fantastically. <3 I made A's on both my first Biology and my first Math tests. My midterm for English is in about 2 hours, so we'll see how that goes... online classes suck. Communications is fantastic, my partner and I are doing our persuasive speech against capital punishment. Previous to this, I had no opinion on it, but I think I am legitimately against it now. Someone should find me and debate it with me, because it's interesting.
Let's see, I got a job scaring the emily dickinson out of people. www.fearthewoods.com ... check it out. and if you're brave enough, come see me? ;D I'm so excited, asdfghjkl.
Things are going fantastically with one act competition. I have to like, talk like a total, like, barbie doll. But it's worth it, cause it's really cool. <3 And and, and and, and and, and and. I'm so lucky to be part of it.
My dear friend Bri had her quinceanera the other day, and I must say, it was fantastic. It was a masquerade, and everyone looked completely gorgeous.  While we were all on the dance floor, I kept thinking that if life had a moment of "happily ever after", that would be it. Everyone was happy, everyone was dancing, and it was beautiful. The interesting thing though, is that there's never a happily ever after. relationships will fall apart to be replaced with new ones, dresses will be grown out of and put away, and in a hundred years, the building will be gone, and everyone at the party will have died. there will be new people, new parties, new moments of perfection. but that's not sad to me... that's beautiful. that's proof that the universe keeps spinning, keeps going. i love it.
So, in honor of the fact that, although it is only september, walmart has got their christmas stuff out, i have made a christmas list, and encourage each of you to do the same. it takes the guesswork out of things. i always have to wonder what i'm getting eveyone, and if they'll like it... except for you kyle, i already know what i'm getting you. ;D but yeah, this is my chirstmas/birthday list (since they're only really 2 months apart) for the next five years.

-A german sheppard puppy. this is number one on my list, i want one so badly. i will love you forever if you get me a german sheppard.

-Donate to this charity
http://www.sunvillage.com.cn/eng/milestone.php

-macbook

nail polish, any color

one of these rings. they're beautiful. <3

dftba hoodie

stuffed octopusss <3

unique belly button rings

starbucks card :D

moccasins. they look so comfyyy

iris scented perfume or candles

awesome hipster coffee mugs

awesome hipster coffee mugs, part 2

magnetic poetry

henna tattoo kit

write me an original story

any ellen hopkins book- excluding crank and identical, which i already own

watercolors :D

-my own star
www.starregistry.com

glowsticks

take awesome pictures and put them in a scrapbook

peacock feather earrings

deathly hallows necklace 

these shoes. just. these shoes.

any book of poetry, especially by rumi, wh auden, or edgar allen poe

polaroid camera

pretty yoga mat 

mix me a cd for my car

there we go, i hope that helped. <3

Reasons Why I Love Blogging

sotw: wonderwall- oasis
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6hzrDeceEKc&feature=BFa&list=FLILViEKj7rf7mJey3p0RxaQ&lf=mh_lolz
I love blogging. I love it so much more than trying to write in a diary. And here are my reasons.
1. blogs are never "due". if i'm busy and end up skipping a few weeks, my grade point average doesn't suffer. (: plus, the only one who gets mad at me is kyle.
2. they can double as narrative essays. i had an essay due today that i didn't have time to write, so i went back and combined and edited some of my old blogs, and voila~ brand new essay.
3. i can go back and look at the things i thought. most of the things i mention in my blog are things i wouldn't even remember. but i can read them and laugh at how awesome/bluck they were, and how different things are now.
4. they're public, so you automatically monitor what you say. which means less embarrassing moments. it's not like a diary when you go back and read it and want to shoot yourself because everthing you said was completely moronic.
5. they double as narrative essays. (:
6. they wait on me. i can work on it sporadically for five minutes a day, and then leave it. and it doesn't get mad at me.
7. i can delete them.
8. they double as narrative essays. (:
9. creative outletttt, ftw.
10. THEY DOUBLE AS NARRATICE ESSAYS, YEAHHHHHHHH. :D

it's blog wednesdayyyyy (the first one ever)

and i feel like the song of the day should be called the song of the week, SO, here we go,
sotw: i don't mind- defeater
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=J1IdKeZU8hs&feature=BFa&list=FLzxayHbZlkcY&index=11
because it's emily dickinson ADORABLE. <3
i had a few ideas for this blog, and i'll get to them, but there's something i kind of want to muse about. and it's this whole relationship thing... everyone knows i suck at it. like, everyone. it's like, i don't think i've ever been in a relationship that lasted over 2 months. and yeah, i'm usually the one who breaks it off. there are a whole bunch of psychological reasons for that, but i don't even want to get into them today. i mean, everyone thinks i'll eventually get over it. hell, even i think that. usually. but i was thinking about it today, and i don't even know how i'm supposed to get married. i'm terrified of it, really. cause i look around and see all these married couples, and you know what? something like 95% of them don't even like each other anymore. they bicker and fuss or ignore each other. they tolerate each other because they're already married. but let me be honest: i don't get the point of that. i do not want to get married to someone just to end up tolerating them later on. what's the point? i can live by myself. or buy a dog or something. and i'd be perfectly happy. i like not having to answer to anyone. i like being home alone and blasting my music or deciding what to watch on tv or cleaning or not cleaning when i feel like it. i like being able to plan my schedule around me and, if i feel like it, just taking off for the weekend to somewhere. maybe in that sense, i'm selfish, but whatever. it's how i am. i just don't see the point in living with someone you don't even like.  it's kinda like, why bother? don't get me wrong, i like human relationships. if my life could be like the notebook and i knew for sure that i was going to love and talk to the person i marry until the day i die, that would be one thing. but it just never seems to work like that. like, the strain of daily life and work and kids takes over. just, ugh. sometimes i want to disappear.
but anyway. enough rambling. on to less depressing subjects.
I MADE ONE ACT.
asdfghjkl, i am so super duper excited. <3 i play a moronic valley girl, and it is much to my chagrin that i can do it so well. XD kevin says he's never gonna talk to me again if i get stuck talking like that like i did with dearly departed... who would have guessed that cultivated southern accents linger? but WHATEVER BRO, you're my bestfriend, you gotta put up with me.
oh, speaking of kevin, he showed me the most awesome movie ever. wristcutters, a love story. which is not nearly as emo as you would think, but is actually adorable and hilarious and well thought out. it's on netflix, if anyone has that.
i also maybe have a job? at a mexican restaurant... the manager person seems to like me, so i'm going to apply and see where that goes. as if i need any more demands on my schedule, buthey. i could use the extra $$$ and it teaches responsibility and such. you know, all that good stuff.
oh, and coolest part of today- weightwatchers is paying off. i can fit into my dress~~~~ oh my god, i'm so excited. i've never been able to get into this dress without squeezing and sucking in, but today i just put it on and zipped up the back. <3 it made my LIFE. (especially due to the fact that i have to wear this particular dress to a disney dance with boyfriend in about 10 days... it's nice that i can get it on without asphyxiating.) but then again, it SUCKS cause we're doing a cheesecake sale in chorus, and i WANT SOME. )): cause it looks delicious. if anyone wants to buy cheesecake or awesome fluffy pretzels, you know where to find me.
so anyway, it's late, and i have a chorus officer poster to make. i might elaborate on some of this tomorrow, but we'll see.

Pablo Neruda,

my new favorite poet. (: this is fantastic.

Don't Go Far Off

Don't go far off, not even for a day, because --  because -- I don't know how to say it: a day is long  and I will be waiting for you, as in an empty station  when the trains are parked off somewhere else, asleep.  Don't leave me, even for an hour, because  then the little drops of anguish will all run together,  the smoke that roams looking for a home will drift  into me, choking my lost heart.  Oh, may your silhouette never dissolve on the beach;  may your eyelids never flutter into the empty distance.  Don't leave me for a second, my dearest,  because in that moment you'll have gone so far  I'll wander mazily over all the earth, asking,  Will you come back? Will you leave me here, dying?

Not my blog day, so

I don't really have to talk. but this is fascinating, so i'll let it speak for itself.  DFTBA.

way too many subjects, way too late. sorry kyle, iloveyoubestfriend~~~

sotd: living on a highwire- lemonade mouth. 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OJSnMa7Jzmo&feature=BFa&list=FLzxayHbZlkcY&index=49

because the moral of this movie is that music and art and academics deserve funding just as much as football. which is a theme i completely support. (:

my shift key has had it... at least the one on the left, which is the one i use. the right one's so difficult to get used to, i'm just writing this blog sans capitalization. <3 the occasional symbol's doable, but every few words... nah. alrighty, so, it's been a few days, so there's quite a few things i'd like to discuss. (: therefore, the remainder of this blog will be written in extended list form, starting now:
1. weight watchers and positive mantras- so, i started weight watchers on sunday. which i'm sure i'll be very happy about a few months down the road when i've dropped a clothing size or 2, but right now just reallyyyyyyyyyyyy makes me want a  donut. from dunkin donuts. a pink one. with sprinkles. oh, and some french fries and a dr.pepper. but if i did that, i would not be able to eat for the rest of the week, due to the fact that this combination of food would be roughly 56758765098768057087 points. for those of you who don't know, weight watchers gives you a point value system for food. like, a granola bar is 2 points, a dr.pepper is 11. (at least, a decent sized one). a bean burrito from taco bell is 9. and i have 29 of these points a day to spend on food.

which usually rules out anything that tastes good. barring fruit, i can eat of much of that as i want. which is the only thing that keeps me going.  but i found this mantra-type thing on tumblr the other day, and i keep repeating it to myself in my head: would you rather have pizza or hipbones? cake or a gap between your thighs? sweets or collarbones? soda or a flat stomach?
and i think my personal answer to all of these is obvious. so i bite the bullet and order the water instead of the dr.pepper, or go home and make the gross microwave low fat low carb meal instead of whatever the good stuff is. i mean, in actuality, it is so much better for me, and in the long run, it's gonna be worth it.

2.  arrogant, ignorant, agressive drivers and how they have families that love them, migraines, bad days, and famous american poets as expletives-because i was so completely angry about this situation, and i don't want to use inappropriate language, i'm going to steal from john green and substitute a famous american poet for the not so nice word. <3 (here's the video in which you can find this phenomena: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dsVgk9oMyx8) so anyway:

i am beyond edgar allen poe-ing infuriated. i was at the taco bell the other day and, mind you, this day has already been shel silverstein-y from the get go. i was up all night with a migraine, head pounding, vomiting into a nearby trashcan every hour or so, and generally going through what was my own personal ogden nash.  then, i had to sit through a karate class with a bunch of screaming kids (if you don't already know this, migraines are made worse with sound and light). about halfway through, my head can't take it anymore and i go outside. as i sit on the curb massaging my temples,  i see this guy (who's girlfriend likes to be a maya angelou to me because she's... threatened by me, i guess? i don't know) creeping hard. i figure i've already caused enough of an issue to them by the minimal communication i have with this guy(although this is completely illogical, because we literally talk about baseball like once a month or so, but hey, i guess some people aren't secure in their relationships), but i'm still tempted to look up and ask something along the lines of, may i help you?? and finally he goes inside and baby brother justin comes out of karate. i've been put in charge of dinner, so i run through mcdonalds to spend a few of my precious points on a dr.pepper and get a happy meal for justin. he's shouting, still hyper from karate, and i'm trying to quiet him down, and feeling really bad because he keeps asking if it's his fault my head hurts, and etc.etc.. i then go to taco bell for madre, and, upon arrival in THAT drive through, discover my dr.pepper has spilled. which ruins whatever self control i have left at this point. (the lady at the drivethrough looked rather concerned when i started banging my head against the steering wheel). i'm trying to pull out of taco bell and mop up the soda and field justin's questions, when these robert frost-ing guys pull up behind me and start beeping their ralph waldo emerson horn. over my migraine. no, idiotic morons, i will wait until i'm ready to pull out, because there's a truck coming, and no, i don't particularly want to get smashed into. so i finally pull out, and they slide around me. i'm literally screeching at the top of my lungs in frustration by this point. and justin's asking me why i'm screaming, and we pull up to a stoplight, and these carcasses fit for hounds start flipping me off. to which i reply, well f*** you too. and justin was in the back of the car. oh my god. i felt like the worst big sister ever. so i explained that when grownups get very angry, they sometimes say things they really shouldn't say, and i was wrong for doing it, and could he forgive me. thus the new american poet expletives. it's a good thing that chilled me way out though, because these guys proceed to drive 15 miles an hour to eastlake. and everytime there's a turn, they slowed down to 5mph, put on their blinker, and KEPT GOING. i was like, wow, you're cool, pretending to turn. like, if i hadn't slipped up already... it was irritating, but it was also an eye opener. i should have handled it better... they all have someone that loves them too, like a family or friends or girlfriends. or something. (read below article for more on this... it's truly spectacular. even if you don't follow all my links, follow this one.)

http://web.archive.org/web/20080213082423/http://www.marginalia.org/dfw_kenyon_commencement.html

3. freshman-except-not orientation and bad attitudes- so i went to orientation for dual enrollment on friday, and i am SO EXCITED. i feel like i'm going to do really well in these classes, and have a good amount of freedom and graduate close to an associates degree... it's just all very fantastic. orientation, however, was somewhat of an ordeal. no, not because the program itself was frustrating, but because my grandfather came with me. the think you have to know about him is that he's like those awful talk radio people that moan about finance and personal responsibility... times 10. so every time the college people say the word self-discipline, he elbows me... in between scowling at me because i'm causing him to miss the people putting mud in his yard. so, not the most fun.bad attitudes can ruin a day. oh yeah, funny story about this: he shows up at my house and asks me "... you're wearing shorts?" well, yeah, it's hot. but i can understand, maybe you think they're too short, i'm sorry. "...and boots?" oh no. of course i'm not wearing boots. what kind of self respecting person would wear boots? the extra material covering my leg must make me look like an... well, i don't know. prostitute? peasant? IDK.  

4. sailboats- i've wanted to tell you guys about this one for a while, but i never really thought about it. so, here it is. (: When I was in Boston, my friend and I chose to spend some time sitting at the harbor. He's very interested in sailing, so he told me things about all of the boats. Right in front of us was a little red sailboat, and it had two eyes painted on it. I asked about it, and he told me that some people believe that painting eyes on their ships is a reflection on how their ship is a living thing. They give it eyes so it can see. I don't know if there's any fact to that at all, but I found it kind of beautiful. (yeah, i typed that a few days ago, which is why it's capitalized. (: )

Möge die Macht mit dir sein!

Yeah, shout out to my one reader, he had that on his facebook from the future president of the united states. :D man, those two make my days. <3 anyway, sotd: country girl (shake it for me)- luke bryan. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iMZgVLc8yLY&feature=BFa&list=FLzxayHbZlkcY&index=7
i hate this song so much i actually love it. like wow.
anywhoooo. back at school... well, sort of. 6th and 7th period, at least. chorus and drama pretty much make my day. <3 i'm sure if it wasn't "necessary" to take core classes, i'd be more than happy to continue on in this existence composed of 10 library books a week (literally) and performing arts classes. hey, that's what i wanna do with my life. oh, and speaking of, guess who has herself an audition for that tv show "the voice" friday? moi. which sounds significantly more exciting than it actually is. chances of it going anywhere are pretty much nil, but whatever. i like the audition process for itself... it's a way to gain experience, and since the ratio of no's to yes's is about 10:1 at least, i like to get through the 10 as painlessly as possible. <3
in other news, i've decided that i'm going to have a blog day, and that's probably gonna be wednesday. one new blog a week. it's not so much i get overwhelmed, but it keeps me writing. <3 and if i want to blog in between those mandatory ones, well, bonus for everyone, right? the exception i'm making to this is that i want to finish this one blog i started like 2 weeks ago that i cannot seem to get the motivation to finish. i'm going to try to force myself through the last leg of that today, and have it done with. another possibility, though, is if i get a webcam that works, i might actually try to vlog instead. because typing all of this is something of a pain with my missing keys and fake nails, haha. 
oh, i also want to do a book recommendation here: identical, by ellen hopkins. this book was one of the best i've read in years. stunningly written, poignant, eerie, haunting, and a killer of an ending. 
but we've hit that point in my blog when i talk about something interesting. it's been forever, and i'm not sure what important topic i want to ramble on today after updating you on all of the rather meaningless aspects of my life. i think it's going to be something along the lines of unwarranted forgiveness. it's something i'm sure many of us have to deal with. someone you love hurts you. says things that never should be said about someone who honestly loves you. they argue with you, insult you. throw words that are sharp as knives towards your heart. and then, after the fight. the silence that kills you more quickly than the words did. the weeks of waiting for a call, an apology, anything. and the gradual climb back to okay. you pack away the gifts they gave you. you stop checking their facebook for a sign of remorse. you move on with your life. you think you're doing fine... and then they apologize. they tell you how wrong they were. they show every sign of changing. they appeal to you. and what do you do? you go running back. to the friendship, or relationship, or whatever it may be. let's be honest here: i don't know about you, but i've been on both sides of this cycle. i've been tossed  aside in favor of other people only to come crawling back to someone who i could call my best friend. but then again, i've also been the other person. i've been cruel, much crueler than i should have been... and i've done the unthinkable, i've asked for them to look past it. and they did.  and neither side feels good. i will feel remorse every time i look at either of their faces... the one that wronged me, and the one that i wronged. it's like there's no way to win. i can't say that you should forgive so easily, but i'm not saying you should make it so difficult to forgive, either. i mean, let's be honest. sometimes, you cannot help but to forgive. and when i say that, i do not mean forgive as in not harboring grudges... that's painful to yourself, and you should always try to forgive in that way. i'm speaking of the way you can forget every wrong someone's done and invite them back into your life with open arms. there are times when you are going to go against every instinct you have and do that. i've seen it. and, as much as everyone asks me to, i can't explain it. it's the age old question every one of my guy friends has asked me... "why do girls like douchebags?" well gee, you make us sound stupid. we don't. when we meet a guy, we aren't looking for that guy who cheats or lies. we don't want to date someone who's going to hurt our feelings. those douchebags you complain about? they're fantastic actors. they don't act like jerks the first few times we meet them... not even for months. they're awesome. they're sweet, and cute, and fantastic for ages before they start to act like creeps. allow me to quote taylor swift (yeah, i know she sings pop music, get over it, this is so true.): "When I was a little girl I used to read fairy tales. In fairy tales you meet Prince Charming and he's everything you ever wanted. In fairy tales the bad guy is very easy to spot. The bad guy is always wearing a black cape so you always know who he is. Then you grow up and you realize that Prince Charming is not as easy to find as you thought. You realize the bad guy is not wearing a black cape and he's not easy to spot; he's really funny, and he makes you laugh, and he has perfect hair. "  it's honest. by the time you realize they're a bad guy, you already love them. and this sounds insane, but it's true. you know it as well as i do: once you love someone, it is impossible to give up on them. it's a forever deal. love doesn't go away. and i'm not trying to be insensitive to genders or preferences, or whatever... i mean, i'm pretty sure same goes for guys, under those circumstances... or whatever really. when you love someone, really, truly, love someone... it's going to be easy to forgive them. and at this point in my life, i can't tell you whether that's good or bad. maybe they have changed. i don't know.oh, and disclaimer, just in case any of you were wondering, none of this was directed at cristian... he's nothing but fantastic, as close to a prince charming as i'll ever get. i really am lucky.

Original Lyrics

Because I've gotten a request for these lyrics, here they are. (: "I Want You To Be The One", by, well, me.

I live for the moments when our lives cross paths.
Is it too much to hope that I cross your mind?
Cause I can’t find the words to tell you
The thought of you brings my heart sunshine.
I want you to be the one to call me beautiful.
Make me realize not everyone’s the same.
I want you to be the one I’ve waited for forever.
I want to go crazy and scream your name.
I want you to be the one to love me.
Can you be the prince, cause I’m not always the princess.
I’m selfish; I’m clumsy, I regret to confess.
But I’ll love you forever, if you can deal with my worst.
I’ll show you my very best, can’t help but put you first.
Because I want you to be the one to call me beautiful.
Make me realize not everyone’s the same.
I want you to be the one I’ve waited for forever.
I want to go crazy and scream your name.
I want you to be the one to love me.
You make me want  to touch the sky
And when I close my eyes you’re all I see.
I’m a drizzle and you’re a hurricane,
But everything you do enchants me…
I want you to be the one to call me beautiful.
Make me realize not everyone’s the same.
I want you to be the one I’ve waited for forever.
I want to go crazy and scream your name.
I want you to be the one to love me…
I want you to be the one.

Extreme Excitement

For a number of reasons. (:
but first- song of the day:   All that you are, by the goo goo dolls. <3
but anyway, reasons why i'm excited. the first one i'm going to talk about is my teen ink account. i signed up about a month ago, thinking that it'd just be a fun place to post my writing. i soon learned that you can link to videos that you already put on youtube. i have some videos of me singing, and decided to submit them. well, the response has been pretty exciting. it's nothing anywhere near explosive, but it's pretty amazing to see all these people i don't even know commenting on my videos and liking them... someone even favorited one of them. i think i understand why i've always wanted to do this with my life now. this positive response to something so important to me... it's incredible. (: here's a link, if you care to look.
http://teenink.com/users/thesidewalkendshere
the second is something you'll probably hear me go on and on about later... considering how i use this blog as an emotional outlet and all. but let's just say i've found a pair of green eyes i can absolutely drown in, and the owner of them happens to also be the owner of my first kiss (EVER), and also happens to be coming over tomorrow. (:
the third is significantly more simple: TANGLED tonight with madre. <3 and easy a... and burlesque.... asdfghjkl, i love movie nights, this is gonna rock my socks.
OH and fourth, i actually live in a ROOM again. new carpet, all of stuff's unpacked... pretty wonderful, all in all.
so yeah. philosophy for today: dr.pepper and a hot bath can fix any ailment. mom and i were discussing this today. if you get a dr.pepper, take a hot bath, eat some bean with bacon soup and sourdough toast, and get a good night's sleep, everything will be significantly better in the morning.
sounds crazy, right? but it's always worked for me. maybe the placebo effect? haha. well, whatever, if it works, it works~.

random babbling, because i am TIRED.

song of the day: forever and ever- pooh bear. <3
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zS5TYzSPpII
listen. it's SO CUTE. ((:
okay, so, road trip news. we ended up in highlands, nc. it was so beautiful up there- the mountains, and the rain... almost ethereal. which almost made up for the fact that we did nothing other than price check the whole place for when he comes back to it later this month with his girlfriend. i mean, in a way, i feel like i'm being selfish. he's obviously really into this girl and wants it to work out. but she gets to see him like every day, and i don't. we certainly only go on trips like this maybe once a year. and i don't know. i just feel like that was the whole point of the trip, and i didn't know it until we got in the car and started driving. like, i just kind of tagged along as he looked at hotels and restaurants and took a bunch of pictures. i mean, it wasn't a bad trip, and i'm glad i got to see everything. but it didn't feel like his purpose was to spend time with me. and that wasn't even the worst part. but that's something i don't want to post on the internet, so ask away if the curiosity eats at you. god, i feel like i'm whining. but i don't know, it just kind of bummed me out, and i wanted to talk about it. x button's in the top right hand corner. in other news: mr.popper's penguins was ADORABLE. i mean, not the best movie i've EVER seen, but still pretty darn cute. <3 & we FINALLY got new carpet in the house, after a month of having our stuff in boxes. it's so pretty. (: so a majority of today was spent unpacking, and dusting. oh my god, dusting. bluck. never want to see dust, ever again. and i'm not even all the way done, hahaha. oh my, i'll be glad when it's all done. rearranging everything is nice, but tiring.
okay, so, preview of the new song i'm working on. here's the chorus:
So I lie here smelling like smoke and sunsets
I never feel more wonderful than when I’m sitting next to you
Melodies floating on the summer air
It’s enough of a lie to make me want to forget the truth.
We can’t make it when we always seem to break it.
But tonight’s enough to make me want to fake it.

Waiting to head out for godknowswhere

(: dad will be by in about half an hour. i wonder where we'll end up this time? we're free spirits- one time we ended up in nyc. 3 days, a TON of driving. but incredible. (: probably won't be that far this time, because i have to be back thursday for an acda thing, but still somewhere interesting. i love travelling- i love seeing new places and experiencing new things. a dream of mine is to take a year after i graduate college and just go places. sort of like eat pray love, just discover myself. see the world by myself, and go places where no one knows me- where no one has any expectations. i feel so often like i end up molding myself to whoever i'm with, and while it's actually a useful skill to have, it's not always good. i need to be myself sometimes, not what other people want to see. and i feel like i can do that while i'm away from home. don't get me wrong. i love all of my friends and family, so much. and i love spending time with them. it's not their fault i mold- that's just my natural instinct. but there was this book i read, shift. it talked about going away for a while- not forever, but long enough so that no matter where you are, you can be the best, most real version of yourself. and i like that. i want that. because in reality, i am so, so, so vulnerable. i think everyone is, to a extent. things hurt us a great deal more than we let on. litte things, probably more than big things.we have to figure out ways to shield ourselves- some more than others. and temporary shields don't work. we end up hurting or confusing ourselves even more. that's why people go on soul searching journeys, like the one i want. to discover the part of themselves that's stronger than what people say or do. the part that's stronger than anything that happens. the part that says "it's going to get better." i don't know, i just wanted to ramble a bit before i leave, and this is what's on my mind.

I have at least one person who reads my blogs~~~

which sorta kinda makes my entire life, because this person is fantastic. <3 i've decided a new thing i'm going to do is a 'song of the day', which is whatever song i happen to be obsessed with at the moment. today is sure feels right, by sixx am. because music is something so universal, there's bound to be something worth listening to eventually. (: i'm also going to give you guys a link to my tumblr, because if you get on there more than you get on here, i do feed this to that. however, it's a reblog site, and some of the stuff i reblog has questionable language. parental advisory, possible explicit content. http://thisiskaramichelle.tumblr.com/
so, today was the 4th. which means there was the mandatory cookout at my grandmother's house. actually pretty fun... i managed to get some sun in at the pool, even if i did have to listen to my stepdad's questionable medical diagnosis of himself. does anyone know if drinking milk before bed can actually clog your sinuses and make you dizzy in the morning? it just seems implausible to me, but hey. whatever. in other news, i had the sex talk with my mom today. basically consisted of her telling me premarital sex was bad, but if i was having it to please tell her so she can talk me out of it and/or possibly get me birth control, and me repeating that "mom, yeah, i'm still a virgin and it's probably gonna stay that way for a while... no, mom, really, i'm not having sex. no, mom, i'm not, don't worry. mooommmmmm. i get it. but i'm not having sex." it was something along the lines of mortifying. i know she's trying to help, but that doesn't make it any less awkward.  *facepalm*. so anywayy. i'm embarking on an overnight trip to godknowswhere tomorrow with my dad. i'm actually pretty excited. i love roadtrips... listening to music, watching the world pass by. it really just gives me time to think about things. sort out my life, you know? the only downside is the hour or so i'm going to be obligated to listen to middle aged men on talk radio preaching at me about how america's going to hell. i hate politics.all anyone ever does is argue about them. VOTE AND SHUT UPPP. unless you intend to start a revolution, there's nothing else to do. or else get a blog for your moaning, so that when people get sick of you, they can x out of the screen. <3 sorry, patience meter's running low today, my head feels gross. my head hurts, my throat is sore, and i can barely breathe. perhaps when we're done renovating the house and all this dust is gone, i'll be a much nicer person all around. hahaha. well. we'll see. i am trying. :P. since i don't happen to have a lesson of any sorts to discuss today, i'll just pick some poetry for you guys to meditate on. (:
Disappear(by:karamichelle)
what would it be like
to disappear?
just
slip
away
from everything familiar
and experience something
...new?
keep moving
until you figure out the mystery
of where you're going
and stay for a while
maybe not
forever
but just long enough to ready yourself
for another journey.

YAY~~ blogger works on my computer again. (:

and i intend to start blogging regularly again... or at least try to. It's important to me to be able to have a release- i tend to bottle emotions until i can't take it anymore, and that... well, sucks. plus, it makes me feel important to share my day with my hypothetical readers. the fact that nobody ACTUALLY reads this isn't really a deterrent to me- a hypothetical audience will never judge me. (:  so i'm still going to write like i'm talking to hundreds of people. so. onto the actual blogging. i got to hang out with one of my fantastic friends today. he told me all about his month long trip to france and germany, which seemed incredible. if i go missing, i'm backpacking through europe. <3 then, i got home, and i've been in bed reading ever since. hey, i have 10 library books to get through. (which if you know me at all, is nothing. they'll be finished before the week is.) the best so far is called 'nothing'. it's by janne teller, and it's thought provoking and philosophical and terrifying all at once- perfect for the thunderstorm going on outside my window. <3 but, with all this lying in bed reading, i've come to realize that lazy days are the best- bruno mars knows what he's talking about.  even if i can't afford to take more than one every six months or so- too much to do. college to prepare for, exercising to do, boyfriend and friends to hang out with. etc. but nice when they happen. on a side note- i was loking through my old computer documents and found some poetry we had to write for english last year. i worked with a partner, tianna (see her blog here: http://inmyskin95.blogspot.com/ ) and going back reading these, they seem pretty legit. (: so, here they are, for your enjoyment. the first one, we had to personify... something. we picked wind, because this poem could be a metaphor as well.

Evil Wind
The wind is out to get me
He’s beating at my door
His hands are tearing at my house
He’s always wanting more
The wind screams past my window
My terror is his glee
But my house is well secured
And he won’t get to me

and for the second one, we had to write 'stopping by woods on a snowy evening' from a different point of view. seeing as we both have a flair for the soap opera dramatics, this was from th view of someone who was depressed.

Stopping by the Woods On A Snowy Evening
Whose woods are these I think I know
To reach his home is far to go
He will not see me disappear
To stand amidst the ice and sorrow

My somber horse, although sincere
Must be aware there’s nothing here
But water, woods, silent ache
The darkest evening of the year

He shakes his bells, the night awakes
that I am here is no mistake 
My heart feels nothing, long asleep
But healing wind and soothing flake

These woods my secrets long will keep
But I have promises to keep
And I no longer want to sleep 
And I no longer want to sleep.

Boys, boys, boys.

All I ever blog about anymore is relationships. I feel so shallow. But life's just a dream without the pursuit of love, right? That's what makes everything worth being awake. (Not to say I'm not an independent person, because we all know that's not the problem. ;D ). But, I mean, here we go again. Life is such a cycle, because here i go falling for someone based on an idea of them. I don't know him, but when I spend time with him, I always feel those butterflies when I leave. It's like a rush, you could say. Like someone gave me a shot of happy meds, or something. Thank you lord for chemicals in your brain that rush and make you feel all warm and fuzzy. (: But good god. I'm listening to love songs again. I'm not sure why, it's not like I have a chance. He has every girl at school practically lined up for the chance to date him.
The funny thing is, I knew this and it's the reason I didn't talk to him sooner. He's cute in an adorable little boy way, but I did NOT want to deal with all the competition. But fate is crazy, and we ended up in a situation where we see each other constantly, and now I can understand why his fanclub is so extensive. He's not just cute, he's... I don't even know the word for it. It's like this magnetic force. It's something that makes you want to be around him, to get the most of his attention. I'm not saying I'm that vain, I'm more than happy to just be in his orbit. But I get it, you know? I get why there's a line, even though that unfortunately means that I've inadvertently placed myself in it.  
The thing is, I want to tell him. I almost just said it out loud today. I write it in notes, rephrase it. But one thing holds me back- I don't know what I want to happen. Even if by some bizarre twist of fate he chose me, we don't know each other well enough to date. And on the much more likely chance that he rejects me, I don't want to not be around him. It's a tight situation that has me stuck mute. Which is why it's all pouring out here... oh, my poor innocent readers, to subject you to my personal life is something along the lines of inhumane and cruel. BUT, you can x out of the screen, so I feel less guilty for blabbing on. That's the purpose of my writing. Everybody likes to talk about themselves, and I've discovered that it's easier to NOT bore people to death if I vent this way.
IN OTHER NEWS.
Opening night for "Dearly Departed" was tonight, and it went quite well, if I do say so myself. And then an excellent dinner with madre and Kev. Lordy, gotta love the fam. (: (yes, the adopted fam too.)
I've realized that when I get stressed, I turn my life into a book. Like, the voice in my head switches from first person to third person limited omniscient. Am I a total freak, or is this normal for people who devote their whole lives to reading? Food for thought.
ANYWAY. I am EXHAUSTED. So, bed now. <3 

The Butterfly (original)

fly away, love
you're beholden to no one
run as far, and as fast as you can
fly away, love
the summer is over
and the cold winter frost has control
although i love you,
i'm bound here with chains
more solid, and stronger than iron
although i love you,
i know i can't keep you
and your wild ethereal beauty
although i love you,
you're going to leave me
and i'm finally starting to see.
fly away, love
and pray to the sky
wrap yourself in a blanket of stars
fly away, love
from this sad lonely town
with all of it's melancholy people
fly away, love
to a place where the sun shines
and never again think of me
fly away love,
fly fly away
fly away, although i love you.

I really wish I didn't care.

I don't want to feel like this. I don't want to feel comfortable next to you. I don't want you to make me laugh. I don't want to love how warm you feel next to me when I'm freezing. I don't want to smile when you send me a secret message. I don't want to hear songs and think of you. I don't want the butterflies that erupt whenever you touch my hand. I don't want my heart to smile when you look into my eyes. I don't want to realize that this should have happened years ago. I don't want to hate that girl that I don't even know. I don't want to feel like talking to you is the easiest thing in the world. I don't want to want you as badly as I do.
Because, let's be honest: I'm setting myself up for failure. If I was naive again, I'd give in to it. I'd dance around my room and sing and float through the rest of the week. I'd laugh that after all of this time, thinking I'd never care about anyone again, I just saw you again and it clicked and I can't see how I ever cared about the first guy to begin with. I'd write you a song and sing it to you over the phone at midnight, softly, so I wouldn't wake anyone up. I'd tell all of my friends how tonight was amazing.
But instead, I'm shaken to the point of being seriously upset. You're going to destroy me. You make believe with me. Pretend like there's a chance, when you'd never even consider it. Not intentionally. I'm sure you like me. It's just the effort and logics of it. But I can't explain that to my heart, which is currently rebelling in my chest from being split into it's current confused state.
Fact is, we should face it. You don't want me; you want her. Whether you know it or not, you do. And that's what I'm waiting for. She wants you back- she's not stupid, obviously. And someday, she's gonna impress you. She's right there, and I'm not. And I want to run. I want to get as far away from you as fast as possible, but I can't. I'd give my life to be able to be with you all the time, to see you every day. It's just that I feel like you could be my best friend. I want to be open, I want to talk to you about everything that bothers me. But at the same time, I don't.
I don't know, I just can't decide whether to dance or cry.