Ego

It's a weird thing to realize, but I think I've finally grasped the notion of the 'ego'- the image of ourselves we have and give to others. With all of the reading I've been doing, I've heard the term alot, but never really understood it- until now. When I was little, I'd always think how I'd want people to see me as this or that- I want to seem philosophical, or free spirited, or a leader, or silly. You know, we all do it. We get so caught up in what we want to be percieved as, we conform our opinions, actions, and thoughts to that image. You spend so much time changing your thought patters to fit this image, that they become real. They become natural, habits; ingrained into our brains. But they aren't who we are- obviously, if we wanted to do the same thing all over again- decide on an image and conform all of our habits to it again- we could. I could decide today, that, because it would make me happier and seem more interesting, I wanted to start acting very mysterious and loner- like. I could tell myself I didn't like people; I could delete my facebook; I could throw my phone away; I could quit all of my activities; I could transfer to another school and wear alot of black and never get close to people and carry around a notebook filled with mysterious poetry. And at first, it would be weird for me, but eventually, it would seem natural. Or I could go the other way. I could decide that I wanted to be cool, and a partier. I could sneak out at night; I could drink alot of alcohol; I could buy a ton of short skirts and stop eating to make myself tiny, thin, more attractive. Again, I'd eventually get used to it. I wouldn't have to think, it would be habit. But, it's an image. One I project to myself and others. Regardless of what I DID with myself, I would still be me. I could change my name, I could dye and cut my hair. I could get plastic surgery, I could get colored contacts, I could change my personality and thoughts entirely- but think about it. I'd still be me. Maybe not recognizeable to you, but I would still be there. We identify with our ego. I can say, my name is Kara. I like to sing, I have blue eyes and brown hair, I live in Georgia. But as we went over, all of that can change. Well, if that's true, then who am I? What makes me me? There isn't an easy answer. There's something inside of us far deeper than what we are in this world. I mean, think about it. Most of the world is empty space anyway. Science tells us that everything is made of atoms. Atoms are made up of particles that whirl around huge, empty space. It's our senses that turn all of this empty space and energy into things we can interpret. The whole world is something we interpret. Even your own body is something your senses tell you is there- we're mostly empty space as well.  We aren't our bodies. Well, fine then, are we our minds? Where do your thougths and feelings come from? Exactly? And to where do they disappear? Well, this still doesn't answer they question. Who am I? What can I claim as me? Well, if we're looking at it this way, everything. You're an awareness, you observe. As my ego, my image, changes, there's still something there observing all of that. It's Being. I know, for those of you who haven't read much, this seems odd and abstract, and almost mythical. I can't really explain it by myself. But it's something I've read alot about and really relate to now. If you're interested on more about this particular subject, I would reccommend Power, Freedom, and Grace by Deepak Chopra. He can really explain it.

evanescent

submitted annonymously
for the purposes of:
provoking thought,
inflaming curiosity
and
affecting emotions.



evanescent
to live without a heartbeat
to touch without feeling
to listen without sound

to see without vision

and the spinning

and the shining

and the flashing

and the flying

is the

starsmoonsunsky

is the

snowraincloudswind

but the reeling

but the running

but the silence

but the shunning

to take a breath without air

to bleed without blood

to burn without fire

to die with a heartbeat.

I'm halfway gone. (writing excersize.)

random scenario off of an online short story idea site. a girl is writing a letter to her boyfriend. she loves him, but they've been getting into huge arguments. explain why.

dear boyfriend or maybe not.
this camel's back is rather close to breaking.
i am rather sick of spending all of my time apologizing, when it doesn't even matter to you. make up your mind- you want to be with me or you don't. i'm so sick of being strung along and snapped at. i understand that maybe you're stressed, but you've been taking it out on me. don't tell me it's okay and then turn around and yell at me for something else. i'm not five years old, and it's not your job to correct my behavior; behavior that isn't even bad. I'm laying this out straight. you said you didn't know if you cared. about me, about us, about this. well, i think you better figure it out, and fast. i'm done with getting my feelings hurt, because you're so obviously embarassed by me or you just can't tolerate the fact that i have an opinion. i love you, and you know it- you can be so sweet, and so smart, and so funny when you want to. you do so many little things- like noticing the color of my eyes, or reassuring me when i get insecure, or offering to come in early to study with me for a hard test, or letting me win little arguments. i can't tell you how much my heart races when i look up and catch you glancing at me, and you give me that embarrassed little half smile and look away, or how special i feel when you give me little sideways compliments. but that's all starting to take a backseat. i feel like all you ever do anymore is nitpick at me and argue with me, and it hurts. it feels like you're telling me that i'm not good enough for you.  the bad times are starting to overpower the good. the staring at the phone, wishing for a text, and yet dreading it, because i know we aren't going to end the evening happy.  i'm done with it, love. I can't handle this. the argument last night was so bad, i didn't even know if we were still dating when i came to school today. but i sucked up my pride. i said i was wrong, i apologized. you said we were fine, and five seconds later proceeded to yell at me for the next sentence ot of my mouth. i can't take this anymore. make up your mind. do it quickly, because i don't want this to be over. i want to stay with you- you're the first one to make me feel something in a long time. but if this is how it's going to be, i'm leaving. if i'm just not good enough for you, i'll let you be so you can find someone who is. i'm sick of dragging this out. if this isn't better soon, i'll have no choice. i love you forever, but i have to respect myself too. if you want me in your life, you're going to have to just find a way to put me there.|
yours,
the girl whos heart you have.