it's blog wednesdayyyyy (the first one ever)

and i feel like the song of the day should be called the song of the week, SO, here we go,
sotw: i don't mind- defeater
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=J1IdKeZU8hs&feature=BFa&list=FLzxayHbZlkcY&index=11
because it's emily dickinson ADORABLE. <3
i had a few ideas for this blog, and i'll get to them, but there's something i kind of want to muse about. and it's this whole relationship thing... everyone knows i suck at it. like, everyone. it's like, i don't think i've ever been in a relationship that lasted over 2 months. and yeah, i'm usually the one who breaks it off. there are a whole bunch of psychological reasons for that, but i don't even want to get into them today. i mean, everyone thinks i'll eventually get over it. hell, even i think that. usually. but i was thinking about it today, and i don't even know how i'm supposed to get married. i'm terrified of it, really. cause i look around and see all these married couples, and you know what? something like 95% of them don't even like each other anymore. they bicker and fuss or ignore each other. they tolerate each other because they're already married. but let me be honest: i don't get the point of that. i do not want to get married to someone just to end up tolerating them later on. what's the point? i can live by myself. or buy a dog or something. and i'd be perfectly happy. i like not having to answer to anyone. i like being home alone and blasting my music or deciding what to watch on tv or cleaning or not cleaning when i feel like it. i like being able to plan my schedule around me and, if i feel like it, just taking off for the weekend to somewhere. maybe in that sense, i'm selfish, but whatever. it's how i am. i just don't see the point in living with someone you don't even like.  it's kinda like, why bother? don't get me wrong, i like human relationships. if my life could be like the notebook and i knew for sure that i was going to love and talk to the person i marry until the day i die, that would be one thing. but it just never seems to work like that. like, the strain of daily life and work and kids takes over. just, ugh. sometimes i want to disappear.
but anyway. enough rambling. on to less depressing subjects.
I MADE ONE ACT.
asdfghjkl, i am so super duper excited. <3 i play a moronic valley girl, and it is much to my chagrin that i can do it so well. XD kevin says he's never gonna talk to me again if i get stuck talking like that like i did with dearly departed... who would have guessed that cultivated southern accents linger? but WHATEVER BRO, you're my bestfriend, you gotta put up with me.
oh, speaking of kevin, he showed me the most awesome movie ever. wristcutters, a love story. which is not nearly as emo as you would think, but is actually adorable and hilarious and well thought out. it's on netflix, if anyone has that.
i also maybe have a job? at a mexican restaurant... the manager person seems to like me, so i'm going to apply and see where that goes. as if i need any more demands on my schedule, buthey. i could use the extra $$$ and it teaches responsibility and such. you know, all that good stuff.
oh, and coolest part of today- weightwatchers is paying off. i can fit into my dress~~~~ oh my god, i'm so excited. i've never been able to get into this dress without squeezing and sucking in, but today i just put it on and zipped up the back. <3 it made my LIFE. (especially due to the fact that i have to wear this particular dress to a disney dance with boyfriend in about 10 days... it's nice that i can get it on without asphyxiating.) but then again, it SUCKS cause we're doing a cheesecake sale in chorus, and i WANT SOME. )): cause it looks delicious. if anyone wants to buy cheesecake or awesome fluffy pretzels, you know where to find me.
so anyway, it's late, and i have a chorus officer poster to make. i might elaborate on some of this tomorrow, but we'll see.

Pablo Neruda,

my new favorite poet. (: this is fantastic.

Don't Go Far Off

Don't go far off, not even for a day, because --  because -- I don't know how to say it: a day is long  and I will be waiting for you, as in an empty station  when the trains are parked off somewhere else, asleep.  Don't leave me, even for an hour, because  then the little drops of anguish will all run together,  the smoke that roams looking for a home will drift  into me, choking my lost heart.  Oh, may your silhouette never dissolve on the beach;  may your eyelids never flutter into the empty distance.  Don't leave me for a second, my dearest,  because in that moment you'll have gone so far  I'll wander mazily over all the earth, asking,  Will you come back? Will you leave me here, dying?

Not my blog day, so

I don't really have to talk. but this is fascinating, so i'll let it speak for itself.  DFTBA.

way too many subjects, way too late. sorry kyle, iloveyoubestfriend~~~

sotd: living on a highwire- lemonade mouth. 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OJSnMa7Jzmo&feature=BFa&list=FLzxayHbZlkcY&index=49

because the moral of this movie is that music and art and academics deserve funding just as much as football. which is a theme i completely support. (:

my shift key has had it... at least the one on the left, which is the one i use. the right one's so difficult to get used to, i'm just writing this blog sans capitalization. <3 the occasional symbol's doable, but every few words... nah. alrighty, so, it's been a few days, so there's quite a few things i'd like to discuss. (: therefore, the remainder of this blog will be written in extended list form, starting now:
1. weight watchers and positive mantras- so, i started weight watchers on sunday. which i'm sure i'll be very happy about a few months down the road when i've dropped a clothing size or 2, but right now just reallyyyyyyyyyyyy makes me want a  donut. from dunkin donuts. a pink one. with sprinkles. oh, and some french fries and a dr.pepper. but if i did that, i would not be able to eat for the rest of the week, due to the fact that this combination of food would be roughly 56758765098768057087 points. for those of you who don't know, weight watchers gives you a point value system for food. like, a granola bar is 2 points, a dr.pepper is 11. (at least, a decent sized one). a bean burrito from taco bell is 9. and i have 29 of these points a day to spend on food.

which usually rules out anything that tastes good. barring fruit, i can eat of much of that as i want. which is the only thing that keeps me going.  but i found this mantra-type thing on tumblr the other day, and i keep repeating it to myself in my head: would you rather have pizza or hipbones? cake or a gap between your thighs? sweets or collarbones? soda or a flat stomach?
and i think my personal answer to all of these is obvious. so i bite the bullet and order the water instead of the dr.pepper, or go home and make the gross microwave low fat low carb meal instead of whatever the good stuff is. i mean, in actuality, it is so much better for me, and in the long run, it's gonna be worth it.

2.  arrogant, ignorant, agressive drivers and how they have families that love them, migraines, bad days, and famous american poets as expletives-because i was so completely angry about this situation, and i don't want to use inappropriate language, i'm going to steal from john green and substitute a famous american poet for the not so nice word. <3 (here's the video in which you can find this phenomena: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dsVgk9oMyx8) so anyway:

i am beyond edgar allen poe-ing infuriated. i was at the taco bell the other day and, mind you, this day has already been shel silverstein-y from the get go. i was up all night with a migraine, head pounding, vomiting into a nearby trashcan every hour or so, and generally going through what was my own personal ogden nash.  then, i had to sit through a karate class with a bunch of screaming kids (if you don't already know this, migraines are made worse with sound and light). about halfway through, my head can't take it anymore and i go outside. as i sit on the curb massaging my temples,  i see this guy (who's girlfriend likes to be a maya angelou to me because she's... threatened by me, i guess? i don't know) creeping hard. i figure i've already caused enough of an issue to them by the minimal communication i have with this guy(although this is completely illogical, because we literally talk about baseball like once a month or so, but hey, i guess some people aren't secure in their relationships), but i'm still tempted to look up and ask something along the lines of, may i help you?? and finally he goes inside and baby brother justin comes out of karate. i've been put in charge of dinner, so i run through mcdonalds to spend a few of my precious points on a dr.pepper and get a happy meal for justin. he's shouting, still hyper from karate, and i'm trying to quiet him down, and feeling really bad because he keeps asking if it's his fault my head hurts, and etc.etc.. i then go to taco bell for madre, and, upon arrival in THAT drive through, discover my dr.pepper has spilled. which ruins whatever self control i have left at this point. (the lady at the drivethrough looked rather concerned when i started banging my head against the steering wheel). i'm trying to pull out of taco bell and mop up the soda and field justin's questions, when these robert frost-ing guys pull up behind me and start beeping their ralph waldo emerson horn. over my migraine. no, idiotic morons, i will wait until i'm ready to pull out, because there's a truck coming, and no, i don't particularly want to get smashed into. so i finally pull out, and they slide around me. i'm literally screeching at the top of my lungs in frustration by this point. and justin's asking me why i'm screaming, and we pull up to a stoplight, and these carcasses fit for hounds start flipping me off. to which i reply, well f*** you too. and justin was in the back of the car. oh my god. i felt like the worst big sister ever. so i explained that when grownups get very angry, they sometimes say things they really shouldn't say, and i was wrong for doing it, and could he forgive me. thus the new american poet expletives. it's a good thing that chilled me way out though, because these guys proceed to drive 15 miles an hour to eastlake. and everytime there's a turn, they slowed down to 5mph, put on their blinker, and KEPT GOING. i was like, wow, you're cool, pretending to turn. like, if i hadn't slipped up already... it was irritating, but it was also an eye opener. i should have handled it better... they all have someone that loves them too, like a family or friends or girlfriends. or something. (read below article for more on this... it's truly spectacular. even if you don't follow all my links, follow this one.)

http://web.archive.org/web/20080213082423/http://www.marginalia.org/dfw_kenyon_commencement.html

3. freshman-except-not orientation and bad attitudes- so i went to orientation for dual enrollment on friday, and i am SO EXCITED. i feel like i'm going to do really well in these classes, and have a good amount of freedom and graduate close to an associates degree... it's just all very fantastic. orientation, however, was somewhat of an ordeal. no, not because the program itself was frustrating, but because my grandfather came with me. the think you have to know about him is that he's like those awful talk radio people that moan about finance and personal responsibility... times 10. so every time the college people say the word self-discipline, he elbows me... in between scowling at me because i'm causing him to miss the people putting mud in his yard. so, not the most fun.bad attitudes can ruin a day. oh yeah, funny story about this: he shows up at my house and asks me "... you're wearing shorts?" well, yeah, it's hot. but i can understand, maybe you think they're too short, i'm sorry. "...and boots?" oh no. of course i'm not wearing boots. what kind of self respecting person would wear boots? the extra material covering my leg must make me look like an... well, i don't know. prostitute? peasant? IDK.  

4. sailboats- i've wanted to tell you guys about this one for a while, but i never really thought about it. so, here it is. (: When I was in Boston, my friend and I chose to spend some time sitting at the harbor. He's very interested in sailing, so he told me things about all of the boats. Right in front of us was a little red sailboat, and it had two eyes painted on it. I asked about it, and he told me that some people believe that painting eyes on their ships is a reflection on how their ship is a living thing. They give it eyes so it can see. I don't know if there's any fact to that at all, but I found it kind of beautiful. (yeah, i typed that a few days ago, which is why it's capitalized. (: )

Möge die Macht mit dir sein!

Yeah, shout out to my one reader, he had that on his facebook from the future president of the united states. :D man, those two make my days. <3 anyway, sotd: country girl (shake it for me)- luke bryan. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iMZgVLc8yLY&feature=BFa&list=FLzxayHbZlkcY&index=7
i hate this song so much i actually love it. like wow.
anywhoooo. back at school... well, sort of. 6th and 7th period, at least. chorus and drama pretty much make my day. <3 i'm sure if it wasn't "necessary" to take core classes, i'd be more than happy to continue on in this existence composed of 10 library books a week (literally) and performing arts classes. hey, that's what i wanna do with my life. oh, and speaking of, guess who has herself an audition for that tv show "the voice" friday? moi. which sounds significantly more exciting than it actually is. chances of it going anywhere are pretty much nil, but whatever. i like the audition process for itself... it's a way to gain experience, and since the ratio of no's to yes's is about 10:1 at least, i like to get through the 10 as painlessly as possible. <3
in other news, i've decided that i'm going to have a blog day, and that's probably gonna be wednesday. one new blog a week. it's not so much i get overwhelmed, but it keeps me writing. <3 and if i want to blog in between those mandatory ones, well, bonus for everyone, right? the exception i'm making to this is that i want to finish this one blog i started like 2 weeks ago that i cannot seem to get the motivation to finish. i'm going to try to force myself through the last leg of that today, and have it done with. another possibility, though, is if i get a webcam that works, i might actually try to vlog instead. because typing all of this is something of a pain with my missing keys and fake nails, haha. 
oh, i also want to do a book recommendation here: identical, by ellen hopkins. this book was one of the best i've read in years. stunningly written, poignant, eerie, haunting, and a killer of an ending. 
but we've hit that point in my blog when i talk about something interesting. it's been forever, and i'm not sure what important topic i want to ramble on today after updating you on all of the rather meaningless aspects of my life. i think it's going to be something along the lines of unwarranted forgiveness. it's something i'm sure many of us have to deal with. someone you love hurts you. says things that never should be said about someone who honestly loves you. they argue with you, insult you. throw words that are sharp as knives towards your heart. and then, after the fight. the silence that kills you more quickly than the words did. the weeks of waiting for a call, an apology, anything. and the gradual climb back to okay. you pack away the gifts they gave you. you stop checking their facebook for a sign of remorse. you move on with your life. you think you're doing fine... and then they apologize. they tell you how wrong they were. they show every sign of changing. they appeal to you. and what do you do? you go running back. to the friendship, or relationship, or whatever it may be. let's be honest here: i don't know about you, but i've been on both sides of this cycle. i've been tossed  aside in favor of other people only to come crawling back to someone who i could call my best friend. but then again, i've also been the other person. i've been cruel, much crueler than i should have been... and i've done the unthinkable, i've asked for them to look past it. and they did.  and neither side feels good. i will feel remorse every time i look at either of their faces... the one that wronged me, and the one that i wronged. it's like there's no way to win. i can't say that you should forgive so easily, but i'm not saying you should make it so difficult to forgive, either. i mean, let's be honest. sometimes, you cannot help but to forgive. and when i say that, i do not mean forgive as in not harboring grudges... that's painful to yourself, and you should always try to forgive in that way. i'm speaking of the way you can forget every wrong someone's done and invite them back into your life with open arms. there are times when you are going to go against every instinct you have and do that. i've seen it. and, as much as everyone asks me to, i can't explain it. it's the age old question every one of my guy friends has asked me... "why do girls like douchebags?" well gee, you make us sound stupid. we don't. when we meet a guy, we aren't looking for that guy who cheats or lies. we don't want to date someone who's going to hurt our feelings. those douchebags you complain about? they're fantastic actors. they don't act like jerks the first few times we meet them... not even for months. they're awesome. they're sweet, and cute, and fantastic for ages before they start to act like creeps. allow me to quote taylor swift (yeah, i know she sings pop music, get over it, this is so true.): "When I was a little girl I used to read fairy tales. In fairy tales you meet Prince Charming and he's everything you ever wanted. In fairy tales the bad guy is very easy to spot. The bad guy is always wearing a black cape so you always know who he is. Then you grow up and you realize that Prince Charming is not as easy to find as you thought. You realize the bad guy is not wearing a black cape and he's not easy to spot; he's really funny, and he makes you laugh, and he has perfect hair. "  it's honest. by the time you realize they're a bad guy, you already love them. and this sounds insane, but it's true. you know it as well as i do: once you love someone, it is impossible to give up on them. it's a forever deal. love doesn't go away. and i'm not trying to be insensitive to genders or preferences, or whatever... i mean, i'm pretty sure same goes for guys, under those circumstances... or whatever really. when you love someone, really, truly, love someone... it's going to be easy to forgive them. and at this point in my life, i can't tell you whether that's good or bad. maybe they have changed. i don't know.oh, and disclaimer, just in case any of you were wondering, none of this was directed at cristian... he's nothing but fantastic, as close to a prince charming as i'll ever get. i really am lucky.