I really wish I didn't care.

I don't want to feel like this. I don't want to feel comfortable next to you. I don't want you to make me laugh. I don't want to love how warm you feel next to me when I'm freezing. I don't want to smile when you send me a secret message. I don't want to hear songs and think of you. I don't want the butterflies that erupt whenever you touch my hand. I don't want my heart to smile when you look into my eyes. I don't want to realize that this should have happened years ago. I don't want to hate that girl that I don't even know. I don't want to feel like talking to you is the easiest thing in the world. I don't want to want you as badly as I do.
Because, let's be honest: I'm setting myself up for failure. If I was naive again, I'd give in to it. I'd dance around my room and sing and float through the rest of the week. I'd laugh that after all of this time, thinking I'd never care about anyone again, I just saw you again and it clicked and I can't see how I ever cared about the first guy to begin with. I'd write you a song and sing it to you over the phone at midnight, softly, so I wouldn't wake anyone up. I'd tell all of my friends how tonight was amazing.
But instead, I'm shaken to the point of being seriously upset. You're going to destroy me. You make believe with me. Pretend like there's a chance, when you'd never even consider it. Not intentionally. I'm sure you like me. It's just the effort and logics of it. But I can't explain that to my heart, which is currently rebelling in my chest from being split into it's current confused state.
Fact is, we should face it. You don't want me; you want her. Whether you know it or not, you do. And that's what I'm waiting for. She wants you back- she's not stupid, obviously. And someday, she's gonna impress you. She's right there, and I'm not. And I want to run. I want to get as far away from you as fast as possible, but I can't. I'd give my life to be able to be with you all the time, to see you every day. It's just that I feel like you could be my best friend. I want to be open, I want to talk to you about everything that bothers me. But at the same time, I don't.
I don't know, I just can't decide whether to dance or cry.

New Years Resolutions/Personal Credo

Haven't blogged in a while, I've been busy relaxing. ;D Thank goodness for winter break. But, since it is January 1, 2011 I will write my resolutions and my personal credo, like I should really do every year. :)

Resolutions
1. Start and end each day with half an hour of yoga.
2. Give up caffeine (a tall order, I know)
3. Eat healthier in general
4. Get a few sets down, so I can start taking gigs
5. Make All A's 2nd semester.
6. Have a total of 50 original songs.
7. Complete at least 5 items on my bucket list
8. Try to see the world through other's perspectives
9. Stop trying to convince people of my view.
10. Make new friends
11. Learn to cook
12. Stay positive
13. Forget him
14. Stop running away
15. Trust myself

Credo
Love - Love exists, in the way that the sky is blue- and that includes romantic love. However, I'm okay with waiting for it. I don't need to rush it, because it will come with time. I shouldn't settle for something that doesn't feel right.
Life- We're all mortal, we're all going to die. And it's okay.
Religion - I don't know right now, but I'm okay with not knowing. This is a huge topic, and it's okay for me to live day by day, finding out what I need to as it comes. For the moment, I enjoy learning about Buddhist philosophies.
Etc.- The things you focus on will manifest themselves in your life. A little time for clearing your mind each day is good. Friends are important- talk to them if a misunderstanding arises, instead of fighting. Highschool is just four years- don't feel like it's forever. Let life unfold before you and don't force anything. Being upset sometimes is okay. The point of life is to learn. <3