I miss you, not the person you've become.

The OLD you. We were best friends, I thought it could stay that way. I thought I could see if you changed. But I didn't (notice) and you did (change) and now it's different. It's like falling. You look back and you suddenly realize that you're in a different place than you're supposed to be. You crossed that stupid bridge again. Extenuating circumstances, that's what it is. I was reading our old messages, and it hit me. You aren't anybody I recognize anymore. You're a stranger. I know you, but that intense connection we've always had is gone, and I'm left grasping at straws. I guess it's my fault. I guess I crossed that line one too many times, and you got sick and tired of it. I should really just leave you alone so you can be your new self and not have to deal with me anymore. That's what it's getting too. I get it. I'm crazy. You shouldn't have to put up with me... especially when you have such awesome people around you to give you what you need. I love you like a child loves a parent- a kind of desperate love, a dependence. But it's not enough, and I see that now. I hope you're happy, more than anything, and I hope you don't miss me. God, this deja vu is awful. Here I am, where I've dug myself a hole yet again. A very different one than the first, admittedly, but there it is.
It's so hard realizing that your best friend has moved on faster than you- even if it's your fault. It's so hard when you reach that day when you look into their eyes and you see someone you don't know. It's so hard when they aren't the first person you call with news anymore. It's so hard when you're so confused, because their lips say they're here, but their actions don't. And it's so hard when your actions mimic theirs and you end up hurting them again.
I'm on a temporary hiatus from the situation. We'll see how it goes.

A memo to the wise.

ALRIGHT, so we wall know how weird Kara is about her personal space, right? Well, there's a telephone system here, and I figured I'd explain it all out/ rehash it for certain people who feel the need to call me 600 times a day.
If you call once, and I don't answer or call back, I'm busy. You can try again later that day- give it a few hours.
If you call twice and I don't answer or call back, I don't feel like talking to you right now. Again, give it a few hours and text or something.
If you call a third time and I don't answer or call back, I don't want to talk to you TODAY. Call back tomorrow, or if you can wait a few days, that's even better.
If you call 4 times in one day and I don't answer or call back, you have just really aggravated me that I had to hear you call that many times when I was OBVIOUSLY NOT PICKING UP. At this point don't even bother calling back. I'll let you know if and when I want to talk to you.
HOWEVER, if  it's an emergency (you all know what classifies), you can call repeatedly within 5 minutes and if I can I'll usually pick up, or else call you back ASAP.
If you call 600 times in a row, and I'm in one of these situations, and it's not an emergency, I will pick up the phone, and be REALLY IRRITATED THAT YOU DON'T HAVE ANYTHING TO SAY AND CAN'T UNDERSTAND THE WORD BUSY.
There's always a legitimate reason for me NOT answering the phone, and this system is to keep everyone happy/ understanding.
thank you that is all. <3

Today's Topic- (credit to something-fishy.org for the facts and lists)

Eating disorders. I have a very personal interest in this topic, for reasons not to be discussed, but I've felt like writing about it for a while. Not really the scientific aspect of it- most of us have a vague idea about that part of it anyway. You know, all the typical stuff: starving yourself, eating large amounts of food and throwing it up, it can kill you, etc. etc. No, what I want to talk about is the emotional aspect. I've been totally surprised when I talk to people about eating disorders. Most of them immediately conclude that the person doing it is doing it purely to lose weight, and they're totally crazy.  I mean, the complete lack of understanding shocks me. I've heard people say that these people are stupid, even. So much of a joke has been made about them in the media and such that it makes people suffering seem totally narcissistic, stuck up, crazy people.  OKAY, REALITY CHECK TIME. There are currently around 8 million Americans that suffer from an eating disorder. 1 in 10 of these is a male. Many people suffering from an eating disorder may not actually be underweight at all- they may be very average- looking (although this doesn't mean that their health is not in extreme danger). This is because eating disorders are not a diet fad- they're a real mental disorder. Seriously, eating disorders aren't really a problem with food. In all eating disorders, all of the focus is put on food to avoid dealing with painful thoughts or emotions. There's a few variations on this. Some people are affected because they feel like it gives them a feeling of control- like if they can't control any external circumstances, they can control what happens to their own body. If they can't control what other people do and say to them, they can control themselves. Yet another outlook is from a self-hatred standpoint. Many people who suffer from an eating disorder carry a deep self loathing. You might not see it, because they probably try to pass it off. But in this case, their eating disorder is a form of self harm, much as cutting or burning themselves is. They may feel as though they aren't good enough or can't perform up to standard- they basically feel worthless. Another variation is the release of stress or anxiety. I can't explain this one quite as well, because it's difficult for most people who don't have an eating disorder to understand. However, I'll do  my best. For those with eating disorders, there's a sense of perceived calm that comes with every skipped meal, or after every purge. It's a rush of success, if you will. They feel like they've accomplished what they've set out to do, and it temporarily relieves the stress for them.
The next part of this blog is a questionnaire, if you will. It's a checklist for people with an eating disorder. This is an exceptionally accurate list- it's how they really feel. This is their life. These are the thoughts that occupy a huge majority of their mind. So if you hear about someone suffering from an eating disorder, maybe you can be a tad more sympathetic than "you're stupid." Because that kind of attitude is exactly why some people don't get help-they're afraid of ridicule.
(note: this is just the feelings portion of the survey. if you want to see the behavior and physical symptoms portions, click here: http://www.something-fishy.org/isf/questionnaire.php)
QUESTIONS:
-Are you a perfectionist, a person who always wants to be in control, an overachiever and/or do you think no matter what you do it is never enough?
-Do you find that you seek or desire acceptance and/or approval from people, and/or that you have a hard time saying "no"?
-Do you find that you are always questioning your own judgements and/or actions, and/or do you scrutinize yourself over small faults?
-Do you think you are not good enough, stupid and/or worthless or that people are always judging you in a negative way?
-Do you hide your feelings and/or opinions from people for fear of being judged negatively, and/or do you feel like a burden to others with your problems?
-Within your family and/or circle of friends are you considered "the strong one" who everyone will come to with problems, and/or you never seem to talk much about your own?
-Do you think life would be better and/or people would like you more if you were thin/thinner?
-Do you find yourself often comparing your appearance and weight to others, strangers and/or models and actors, and wishing to be as "nice looking" or as "thin" as they are?
-Do you continuously feel that you are overweight even though others have told you that you are not?
-Do family members and/or friends often express concern for your weight-loss/gain, your appearance, and/or your eating habits?
-Do you think everyone's problems are more important then your own, or do you belittle your own emotions and pain?
-Do you often feel numb or empty inside, like your life lacks fulfillment and happiness, like something is missing or there is a void inside?
-Do you feel as though you have a "conscience" or "voice" that tells you negative things about yourself, convinces you that you do not deserve to eat and/or to be happy, or that tells you that you are or deserve to be fat and ugly?
-Examining yourself and how you feel, do you believe that you may suffer from Anorexia, Bulimia or Compulsive Overeating, or any combination of the three?
-Do you suffer from bouts of depression, hopelessness, and/or lack of motivation; and/or do you find your own problems overwhelming and hard to handle?
-Are you depressed, suicidal, stressed-out, and/or fatigued; and/or do you suffer from anxiety or panic attacks, mood swings, rage and/or insomnia.
-Have you ever been diagnosed with clinical depression, attentive deficit disorder, manic depression, bipolar II disorder, post traumatic stress disorder, obsessive compulsive disorder, or dissociative identity disorder, or any other psychological/neurological illness?