I miss you, not the person you've become.

The OLD you. We were best friends, I thought it could stay that way. I thought I could see if you changed. But I didn't (notice) and you did (change) and now it's different. It's like falling. You look back and you suddenly realize that you're in a different place than you're supposed to be. You crossed that stupid bridge again. Extenuating circumstances, that's what it is. I was reading our old messages, and it hit me. You aren't anybody I recognize anymore. You're a stranger. I know you, but that intense connection we've always had is gone, and I'm left grasping at straws. I guess it's my fault. I guess I crossed that line one too many times, and you got sick and tired of it. I should really just leave you alone so you can be your new self and not have to deal with me anymore. That's what it's getting too. I get it. I'm crazy. You shouldn't have to put up with me... especially when you have such awesome people around you to give you what you need. I love you like a child loves a parent- a kind of desperate love, a dependence. But it's not enough, and I see that now. I hope you're happy, more than anything, and I hope you don't miss me. God, this deja vu is awful. Here I am, where I've dug myself a hole yet again. A very different one than the first, admittedly, but there it is.
It's so hard realizing that your best friend has moved on faster than you- even if it's your fault. It's so hard when you reach that day when you look into their eyes and you see someone you don't know. It's so hard when they aren't the first person you call with news anymore. It's so hard when you're so confused, because their lips say they're here, but their actions don't. And it's so hard when your actions mimic theirs and you end up hurting them again.
I'm on a temporary hiatus from the situation. We'll see how it goes.

A memo to the wise.

ALRIGHT, so we wall know how weird Kara is about her personal space, right? Well, there's a telephone system here, and I figured I'd explain it all out/ rehash it for certain people who feel the need to call me 600 times a day.
If you call once, and I don't answer or call back, I'm busy. You can try again later that day- give it a few hours.
If you call twice and I don't answer or call back, I don't feel like talking to you right now. Again, give it a few hours and text or something.
If you call a third time and I don't answer or call back, I don't want to talk to you TODAY. Call back tomorrow, or if you can wait a few days, that's even better.
If you call 4 times in one day and I don't answer or call back, you have just really aggravated me that I had to hear you call that many times when I was OBVIOUSLY NOT PICKING UP. At this point don't even bother calling back. I'll let you know if and when I want to talk to you.
HOWEVER, if  it's an emergency (you all know what classifies), you can call repeatedly within 5 minutes and if I can I'll usually pick up, or else call you back ASAP.
If you call 600 times in a row, and I'm in one of these situations, and it's not an emergency, I will pick up the phone, and be REALLY IRRITATED THAT YOU DON'T HAVE ANYTHING TO SAY AND CAN'T UNDERSTAND THE WORD BUSY.
There's always a legitimate reason for me NOT answering the phone, and this system is to keep everyone happy/ understanding.
thank you that is all. <3

Today's Topic- (credit to something-fishy.org for the facts and lists)

Eating disorders. I have a very personal interest in this topic, for reasons not to be discussed, but I've felt like writing about it for a while. Not really the scientific aspect of it- most of us have a vague idea about that part of it anyway. You know, all the typical stuff: starving yourself, eating large amounts of food and throwing it up, it can kill you, etc. etc. No, what I want to talk about is the emotional aspect. I've been totally surprised when I talk to people about eating disorders. Most of them immediately conclude that the person doing it is doing it purely to lose weight, and they're totally crazy.  I mean, the complete lack of understanding shocks me. I've heard people say that these people are stupid, even. So much of a joke has been made about them in the media and such that it makes people suffering seem totally narcissistic, stuck up, crazy people.  OKAY, REALITY CHECK TIME. There are currently around 8 million Americans that suffer from an eating disorder. 1 in 10 of these is a male. Many people suffering from an eating disorder may not actually be underweight at all- they may be very average- looking (although this doesn't mean that their health is not in extreme danger). This is because eating disorders are not a diet fad- they're a real mental disorder. Seriously, eating disorders aren't really a problem with food. In all eating disorders, all of the focus is put on food to avoid dealing with painful thoughts or emotions. There's a few variations on this. Some people are affected because they feel like it gives them a feeling of control- like if they can't control any external circumstances, they can control what happens to their own body. If they can't control what other people do and say to them, they can control themselves. Yet another outlook is from a self-hatred standpoint. Many people who suffer from an eating disorder carry a deep self loathing. You might not see it, because they probably try to pass it off. But in this case, their eating disorder is a form of self harm, much as cutting or burning themselves is. They may feel as though they aren't good enough or can't perform up to standard- they basically feel worthless. Another variation is the release of stress or anxiety. I can't explain this one quite as well, because it's difficult for most people who don't have an eating disorder to understand. However, I'll do  my best. For those with eating disorders, there's a sense of perceived calm that comes with every skipped meal, or after every purge. It's a rush of success, if you will. They feel like they've accomplished what they've set out to do, and it temporarily relieves the stress for them.
The next part of this blog is a questionnaire, if you will. It's a checklist for people with an eating disorder. This is an exceptionally accurate list- it's how they really feel. This is their life. These are the thoughts that occupy a huge majority of their mind. So if you hear about someone suffering from an eating disorder, maybe you can be a tad more sympathetic than "you're stupid." Because that kind of attitude is exactly why some people don't get help-they're afraid of ridicule.
(note: this is just the feelings portion of the survey. if you want to see the behavior and physical symptoms portions, click here: http://www.something-fishy.org/isf/questionnaire.php)
QUESTIONS:
-Are you a perfectionist, a person who always wants to be in control, an overachiever and/or do you think no matter what you do it is never enough?
-Do you find that you seek or desire acceptance and/or approval from people, and/or that you have a hard time saying "no"?
-Do you find that you are always questioning your own judgements and/or actions, and/or do you scrutinize yourself over small faults?
-Do you think you are not good enough, stupid and/or worthless or that people are always judging you in a negative way?
-Do you hide your feelings and/or opinions from people for fear of being judged negatively, and/or do you feel like a burden to others with your problems?
-Within your family and/or circle of friends are you considered "the strong one" who everyone will come to with problems, and/or you never seem to talk much about your own?
-Do you think life would be better and/or people would like you more if you were thin/thinner?
-Do you find yourself often comparing your appearance and weight to others, strangers and/or models and actors, and wishing to be as "nice looking" or as "thin" as they are?
-Do you continuously feel that you are overweight even though others have told you that you are not?
-Do family members and/or friends often express concern for your weight-loss/gain, your appearance, and/or your eating habits?
-Do you think everyone's problems are more important then your own, or do you belittle your own emotions and pain?
-Do you often feel numb or empty inside, like your life lacks fulfillment and happiness, like something is missing or there is a void inside?
-Do you feel as though you have a "conscience" or "voice" that tells you negative things about yourself, convinces you that you do not deserve to eat and/or to be happy, or that tells you that you are or deserve to be fat and ugly?
-Examining yourself and how you feel, do you believe that you may suffer from Anorexia, Bulimia or Compulsive Overeating, or any combination of the three?
-Do you suffer from bouts of depression, hopelessness, and/or lack of motivation; and/or do you find your own problems overwhelming and hard to handle?
-Are you depressed, suicidal, stressed-out, and/or fatigued; and/or do you suffer from anxiety or panic attacks, mood swings, rage and/or insomnia.
-Have you ever been diagnosed with clinical depression, attentive deficit disorder, manic depression, bipolar II disorder, post traumatic stress disorder, obsessive compulsive disorder, or dissociative identity disorder, or any other psychological/neurological illness?

These are the facts.

I’ve heard so many theories, and I’m so sick of them. I don’t care how true they are. Maybe that’s why I hate them, because they hit home.  But I don’t care anymore. Nobody else means anything, anything at all. What he said was honest- you were the one person, the only person, I cared about, and you tossed me to the side like I was nothing. He knows the facts, and he understands. What he says makes sense- I should be able to walk away from you without a second glance. I should be able to occupy myself with  a new boy. I should realize you were worthless. I should maybe even go to such extents as to believe you couldn’t deserve me (ha). Hey- that’s what the facts support.  However, love, as you know, facts aren’t everything. “The arguments against insanity fall through with a soft shirring sound” (Stephen King, if you were wondering.) And that’s what this is, a kind of insanity. Facts are useless in the face of the heart; it's just something you have to understand. Here are the kind of facts I understand- the rush I got when you looked at me, the way I fell in love with you the night you held me under the stars, how it was the first time in my life I felt completely safe, the first time I wasn’t afraid, the first time I started to believe in you. And how about the fact that I miss you so much, it makes me sick, and the fact that your eyes are all I can see when I close mine? The fact that once upon a time, you told me you loved me too, and the fact that your feelings must have been just as hurt as mine, at least for a little while? I think those should maybe be accounted for too.  I don’t know, maybe I do just want control back. I do already know I need to grow up. It’s like I’m five, with my fairy tale complex- always convinced of the identity of my Prince Charming, always trapped in my castle of naivety,  always afraid of the monsters in the closet that come out as soon as it’s dark. I’m different, just like everybody else.  But I love you, I do know that. I love you to the depth and breadth of my soul. I love you with every fiber of my being. Even though you don’t know, I love you. I can’t say it enough. It’s always in my thoughts, just like you are. You are one of the most beautiful people I’ve ever known, inside and out. You have my heart, and you have ever since the first time I saw you- back in seventh grade, when I ran up to you out of nowhere to ask you what your name was. You probably thought I was crazy- a little, mixed up, 13 year old staring up at you with huge blue eyes. I’m not even sure if you remember. But I felt so brave after that. I couldn’t explain it to myself; I could only feel the butterflies in my stomach, a preview of the way you make me feel like I’m not on solid ground anymore. I can’t even begin to explain how much of me you are. It’s like you’re part of my very make up- bound to every cell in my body. And I love you. Your name is my favorite word. I could write you poem after song after story, but there’s nothing I could ever say that could convey to you what I mean. Because at the end of the day, when I’m lying in bed, and I see your face right before I fall asleep, I know. You’re all I could ever need. It doesn’t matter if I had to leave everything else, if I had you, I’d be at home. It’s not that you’re perfect- you have flaws just like everyone else. But to quote Ron Pope, you’re perfect for me. It’s like whatever imperfections you have make you more amazing, because you’re real. You’re not fantasy, you’re not make believe, you aren’t a dream. You’re real, and that’s what’s always made me love you. I can’t stop saying it- I LOVE YOU.And that right there is the only fact that matters to me.

I felt like writing you a letter, because I miss you.

Hello Love,
How was your day? Hope it was as wonderful as you are. :) Mine was pretty good, even if I got a 53 on my first Morris Essay... It was expected, so not awful, but a shell shock after being used to 99's and even that one 100 in my Hand Essays. But I'm sure I'll get better at it. It can only help, right? :) It was my first day back at school after the strep stuff, bluck. But rehearsal made it soo much better! Once we all learn our lines well, the show will be awesome! I guess now would be my only opportunity to invite you, so you should definitely come. Chinese food though, was the highlight of my night. It was amaazing. I got the vegetable fried rice stuff, and it prompted an idea. I'm thinking of becoming a vegetarian. Couldn't hurt to try, especially since I get so queasy at the idea of what I'm eating. Animals are just too anatomically similar to me for me to be totally comfortable with it, haha. But you know me, could be a phase thing. Guess what though? My fortune cookie told me that "Your dearest wish will come true within a month,"  and I was surprised,  because I didn't know the fortune cookies knew you well enough to influence you. Because no matter what I convince myself of in the dark hours of night, when I wake up and see the sun, it's always you I'm left thinking of. And I'm starting to think that's not a bad thing- maybe there's a reason I can't get you out of my head. Wow, that went from light to deeply serious in a really quick sentence. But it's true, you've been on my mind quite often lately, more often than usual (!), thus this letter. And there are no coincidences. So I'm going to let it happen, going to let YOU happen, if you'll let it. Because I miss you, love, and I don't think our business is really finished. And I doubt you do either. My mind is open to possibility... is yours?

Okay, so

I wanted the book "Buddha in Your Backpack" for a reallyyyyy long time now, and I finally bought it last week.
The verdict is in folks, and it's excellent. <3 So, I decided to share some wisdom from it, that I'm going to try to live by.


If it's not true, not beneficial, and not agreeable, don't say it.
Basically, starting a rumor. "She slept with so and so!". It's not true, it does not result in good, and it's mean.

If it's not true, not beneficial, and agreeable, don't say it.
To a bully: "You're such a nice person- you should continue doing what you do." It's nice, but it's false, and it actually probably not only not results in good, but results in bad.


If it's true, not beneficial, and not agreeable, don't say it.
Okay, let's go back to the line "She slept with so and so!" and pretend that she really did. Okay. you aren't lying, but telling it to random people certainly won't result in good, and it's not very nice.


If it's true, not beneficial, and agreeable, don't say it.
WHY do you want to say something that doesn't result in good anyway??

If it's true, beneficial, and disagreeable, know when to say it.
Obviously, people are going to have to know things that aren't necessarily good. But you have to know when they're ready to hear it- or else they won't hear it at all, just resist it.


If it's true, beneficial, and agreeable, know when to say it.
Okay, this one's pretty easy. Most of the time, you'll know when people need to hear something agreeable. Which happens about 100 times more than them being ready to hear something disagreeable. Is that frustrating? Well, yeah. But you have to learn patience with people, because I'm willing to bet it's the same with you.

You know, I think I'll just Babble About Some Recent Goings On.

So, I got the new Taylor Swift CD, and it's been on repeat ever since. Player hate ALL you want, but she's so catchy and so easy to relate to, I can't turn it off. Love, fweeee. <3
(CRYPTIC MESSAGE WARNING)
And YESTERDAY was day #365- happy anniversary to me. If you don't know, you don't need to. But chances are you've heard me carry on anyway. November 10, the day my world flipped AGAIN. Quite a pain. I've had a secret emotional indulgence of writing two letters and leaving them to be found, although I doubt they were found by the right person. It made me feel better? Don't judge, haha. (:
-stop-
(RESUME NORMAL BLOG ACTIVITY)
I've been doing pretty well as far as my songwriting goes, I've spit out a few new songs, including one I'm in the middle of, "Nobody But You". Yes, it's one of my cheesy ones, but not as horribly cheesy as some of the other ones, so I'm proud. These probably aren't going on youtube, because my mother's hinted at some recording time for my christmas present? so fingers crossed, and you all can hear them after that if you'd like.
<3
and as for the lesson of today. most of you know i've been pretty interested in buddhism as a philosophy, no? well i was reading a book on it, and this one thing really stood out to me. don't freak, it's not my usual weird philosophy stuff, it's just common sense. but anyway, it's really cool. i mean, we all have people we don't like, people that we consider our exact opposites. you might think there are people you have nothing in common with. but there's one universal commonality. everyone wants to escape suffering and be happy. everyone. like, everything everyone does is because they want to be happy. even if you do something for someone else, it makes you feel good. this isn't a bad thing, it's just human nature. we don't want to make ourselves miserable. but look. it's common, it's everything. next time you're tempted to say something bad about someone else, just remember. you both have a common goal. you both want to be happy. you just have different ideas of what will get you there. so try not to be so harsh on people- it's definitely something i'm having to work on too.