(: dad will be by in about half an hour. i wonder where we'll end up this time? we're free spirits- one time we ended up in nyc. 3 days, a TON of driving. but incredible. (: probably won't be that far this time, because i have to be back thursday for an acda thing, but still somewhere interesting. i love travelling- i love seeing new places and experiencing new things. a dream of mine is to take a year after i graduate college and just go places. sort of like eat pray love, just discover myself. see the world by myself, and go places where no one knows me- where no one has any expectations. i feel so often like i end up molding myself to whoever i'm with, and while it's actually a useful skill to have, it's not always good. i need to be myself sometimes, not what other people want to see. and i feel like i can do that while i'm away from home. don't get me wrong. i love all of my friends and family, so much. and i love spending time with them. it's not their fault i mold- that's just my natural instinct. but there was this book i read, shift. it talked about going away for a while- not forever, but long enough so that no matter where you are, you can be the best, most real version of yourself. and i like that. i want that. because in reality, i am so, so, so vulnerable. i think everyone is, to a extent. things hurt us a great deal more than we let on. litte things, probably more than big things.we have to figure out ways to shield ourselves- some more than others. and temporary shields don't work. we end up hurting or confusing ourselves even more. that's why people go on soul searching journeys, like the one i want. to discover the part of themselves that's stronger than what people say or do. the part that's stronger than anything that happens. the part that says "it's going to get better." i don't know, i just wanted to ramble a bit before i leave, and this is what's on my mind.
Tuesday, July 5, 2011
Monday, July 4, 2011
I have at least one person who reads my blogs~~~
which sorta kinda makes my entire life, because this person is fantastic. <3 i've decided a new thing i'm going to do is a 'song of the day', which is whatever song i happen to be obsessed with at the moment. today is sure feels right, by sixx am. because music is something so universal, there's bound to be something worth listening to eventually. (: i'm also going to give you guys a link to my tumblr, because if you get on there more than you get on here, i do feed this to that. however, it's a reblog site, and some of the stuff i reblog has questionable language. parental advisory, possible explicit content. http://thisiskaramichelle.tumblr.com/
so, today was the 4th. which means there was the mandatory cookout at my grandmother's house. actually pretty fun... i managed to get some sun in at the pool, even if i did have to listen to my stepdad's questionable medical diagnosis of himself. does anyone know if drinking milk before bed can actually clog your sinuses and make you dizzy in the morning? it just seems implausible to me, but hey. whatever. in other news, i had the sex talk with my mom today. basically consisted of her telling me premarital sex was bad, but if i was having it to please tell her so she can talk me out of it and/or possibly get me birth control, and me repeating that "mom, yeah, i'm still a virgin and it's probably gonna stay that way for a while... no, mom, really, i'm not having sex. no, mom, i'm not, don't worry. mooommmmmm. i get it. but i'm not having sex." it was something along the lines of mortifying. i know she's trying to help, but that doesn't make it any less awkward. *facepalm*. so anywayy. i'm embarking on an overnight trip to godknowswhere tomorrow with my dad. i'm actually pretty excited. i love roadtrips... listening to music, watching the world pass by. it really just gives me time to think about things. sort out my life, you know? the only downside is the hour or so i'm going to be obligated to listen to middle aged men on talk radio preaching at me about how america's going to hell. i hate politics.all anyone ever does is argue about them. VOTE AND SHUT UPPP. unless you intend to start a revolution, there's nothing else to do. or else get a blog for your moaning, so that when people get sick of you, they can x out of the screen. <3 sorry, patience meter's running low today, my head feels gross. my head hurts, my throat is sore, and i can barely breathe. perhaps when we're done renovating the house and all this dust is gone, i'll be a much nicer person all around. hahaha. well. we'll see. i am trying. :P. since i don't happen to have a lesson of any sorts to discuss today, i'll just pick some poetry for you guys to meditate on. (:
Disappear(by:karamichelle)
what would it be like
to disappear?
just
slip
away
from everything familiar
and experience something
...new?
keep moving
until you figure out the mystery
of where you're going
and stay for a while
maybe not
forever
but just long enough to ready yourself
for another journey.
so, today was the 4th. which means there was the mandatory cookout at my grandmother's house. actually pretty fun... i managed to get some sun in at the pool, even if i did have to listen to my stepdad's questionable medical diagnosis of himself. does anyone know if drinking milk before bed can actually clog your sinuses and make you dizzy in the morning? it just seems implausible to me, but hey. whatever. in other news, i had the sex talk with my mom today. basically consisted of her telling me premarital sex was bad, but if i was having it to please tell her so she can talk me out of it and/or possibly get me birth control, and me repeating that "mom, yeah, i'm still a virgin and it's probably gonna stay that way for a while... no, mom, really, i'm not having sex. no, mom, i'm not, don't worry. mooommmmmm. i get it. but i'm not having sex." it was something along the lines of mortifying. i know she's trying to help, but that doesn't make it any less awkward. *facepalm*. so anywayy. i'm embarking on an overnight trip to godknowswhere tomorrow with my dad. i'm actually pretty excited. i love roadtrips... listening to music, watching the world pass by. it really just gives me time to think about things. sort out my life, you know? the only downside is the hour or so i'm going to be obligated to listen to middle aged men on talk radio preaching at me about how america's going to hell. i hate politics.all anyone ever does is argue about them. VOTE AND SHUT UPPP. unless you intend to start a revolution, there's nothing else to do. or else get a blog for your moaning, so that when people get sick of you, they can x out of the screen. <3 sorry, patience meter's running low today, my head feels gross. my head hurts, my throat is sore, and i can barely breathe. perhaps when we're done renovating the house and all this dust is gone, i'll be a much nicer person all around. hahaha. well. we'll see. i am trying. :P. since i don't happen to have a lesson of any sorts to discuss today, i'll just pick some poetry for you guys to meditate on. (:
Disappear(by:karamichelle)
what would it be like
to disappear?
just
slip
away
from everything familiar
and experience something
...new?
keep moving
until you figure out the mystery
of where you're going
and stay for a while
maybe not
forever
but just long enough to ready yourself
for another journey.
Friday, July 1, 2011
YAY~~ blogger works on my computer again. (:
and i intend to start blogging regularly again... or at least try to. It's important to me to be able to have a release- i tend to bottle emotions until i can't take it anymore, and that... well, sucks. plus, it makes me feel important to share my day with my hypothetical readers. the fact that nobody ACTUALLY reads this isn't really a deterrent to me- a hypothetical audience will never judge me. (: so i'm still going to write like i'm talking to hundreds of people. so. onto the actual blogging. i got to hang out with one of my fantastic friends today. he told me all about his month long trip to france and germany, which seemed incredible. if i go missing, i'm backpacking through europe. <3 then, i got home, and i've been in bed reading ever since. hey, i have 10 library books to get through. (which if you know me at all, is nothing. they'll be finished before the week is.) the best so far is called 'nothing'. it's by janne teller, and it's thought provoking and philosophical and terrifying all at once- perfect for the thunderstorm going on outside my window. <3 but, with all this lying in bed reading, i've come to realize that lazy days are the best- bruno mars knows what he's talking about. even if i can't afford to take more than one every six months or so- too much to do. college to prepare for, exercising to do, boyfriend and friends to hang out with. etc. but nice when they happen. on a side note- i was loking through my old computer documents and found some poetry we had to write for english last year. i worked with a partner, tianna (see her blog here: http://inmyskin95.blogspot.com/ ) and going back reading these, they seem pretty legit. (: so, here they are, for your enjoyment. the first one, we had to personify... something. we picked wind, because this poem could be a metaphor as well.
Evil Wind
The wind is out to get me
He’s beating at my door
His hands are tearing at my house
He’s always wanting more
The wind screams past my window
My terror is his glee
But my house is well secured
And he won’t get to me
and for the second one, we had to write 'stopping by woods on a snowy evening' from a different point of view. seeing as we both have a flair for the soap opera dramatics, this was from th view of someone who was depressed.
Stopping by the Woods On A Snowy Evening
Whose woods are these I think I know
To reach his home is far to go
He will not see me disappear
To stand amidst the ice and sorrow
My somber horse, although sincere
Must be aware there’s nothing here
But water, woods, silent ache
The darkest evening of the year
He shakes his bells, the night awakes
that I am here is no mistake
My heart feels nothing, long asleep
But healing wind and soothing flake
These woods my secrets long will keep
But I have promises to keep
And I no longer want to sleep
And I no longer want to sleep.
Evil Wind
The wind is out to get me
He’s beating at my door
His hands are tearing at my house
He’s always wanting more
The wind screams past my window
My terror is his glee
But my house is well secured
And he won’t get to me
and for the second one, we had to write 'stopping by woods on a snowy evening' from a different point of view. seeing as we both have a flair for the soap opera dramatics, this was from th view of someone who was depressed.
Stopping by the Woods On A Snowy Evening
Whose woods are these I think I know
To reach his home is far to go
He will not see me disappear
To stand amidst the ice and sorrow
My somber horse, although sincere
Must be aware there’s nothing here
But water, woods, silent ache
The darkest evening of the year
He shakes his bells, the night awakes
that I am here is no mistake
My heart feels nothing, long asleep
But healing wind and soothing flake
These woods my secrets long will keep
But I have promises to keep
And I no longer want to sleep
And I no longer want to sleep.
Wednesday, April 13, 2011
Boys, boys, boys.
All I ever blog about anymore is relationships. I feel so shallow. But life's just a dream without the pursuit of love, right? That's what makes everything worth being awake. (Not to say I'm not an independent person, because we all know that's not the problem. ;D ). But, I mean, here we go again. Life is such a cycle, because here i go falling for someone based on an idea of them. I don't know him, but when I spend time with him, I always feel those butterflies when I leave. It's like a rush, you could say. Like someone gave me a shot of happy meds, or something. Thank you lord for chemicals in your brain that rush and make you feel all warm and fuzzy. (: But good god. I'm listening to love songs again. I'm not sure why, it's not like I have a chance. He has every girl at school practically lined up for the chance to date him.
The funny thing is, I knew this and it's the reason I didn't talk to him sooner. He's cute in an adorable little boy way, but I did NOT want to deal with all the competition. But fate is crazy, and we ended up in a situation where we see each other constantly, and now I can understand why his fanclub is so extensive. He's not just cute, he's... I don't even know the word for it. It's like this magnetic force. It's something that makes you want to be around him, to get the most of his attention. I'm not saying I'm that vain, I'm more than happy to just be in his orbit. But I get it, you know? I get why there's a line, even though that unfortunately means that I've inadvertently placed myself in it.
The thing is, I want to tell him. I almost just said it out loud today. I write it in notes, rephrase it. But one thing holds me back- I don't know what I want to happen. Even if by some bizarre twist of fate he chose me, we don't know each other well enough to date. And on the much more likely chance that he rejects me, I don't want to not be around him. It's a tight situation that has me stuck mute. Which is why it's all pouring out here... oh, my poor innocent readers, to subject you to my personal life is something along the lines of inhumane and cruel. BUT, you can x out of the screen, so I feel less guilty for blabbing on. That's the purpose of my writing. Everybody likes to talk about themselves, and I've discovered that it's easier to NOT bore people to death if I vent this way.
IN OTHER NEWS.
Opening night for "Dearly Departed" was tonight, and it went quite well, if I do say so myself. And then an excellent dinner with madre and Kev. Lordy, gotta love the fam. (: (yes, the adopted fam too.)
I've realized that when I get stressed, I turn my life into a book. Like, the voice in my head switches from first person to third person limited omniscient. Am I a total freak, or is this normal for people who devote their whole lives to reading? Food for thought.
ANYWAY. I am EXHAUSTED. So, bed now. <3
The funny thing is, I knew this and it's the reason I didn't talk to him sooner. He's cute in an adorable little boy way, but I did NOT want to deal with all the competition. But fate is crazy, and we ended up in a situation where we see each other constantly, and now I can understand why his fanclub is so extensive. He's not just cute, he's... I don't even know the word for it. It's like this magnetic force. It's something that makes you want to be around him, to get the most of his attention. I'm not saying I'm that vain, I'm more than happy to just be in his orbit. But I get it, you know? I get why there's a line, even though that unfortunately means that I've inadvertently placed myself in it.
The thing is, I want to tell him. I almost just said it out loud today. I write it in notes, rephrase it. But one thing holds me back- I don't know what I want to happen. Even if by some bizarre twist of fate he chose me, we don't know each other well enough to date. And on the much more likely chance that he rejects me, I don't want to not be around him. It's a tight situation that has me stuck mute. Which is why it's all pouring out here... oh, my poor innocent readers, to subject you to my personal life is something along the lines of inhumane and cruel. BUT, you can x out of the screen, so I feel less guilty for blabbing on. That's the purpose of my writing. Everybody likes to talk about themselves, and I've discovered that it's easier to NOT bore people to death if I vent this way.
IN OTHER NEWS.
Opening night for "Dearly Departed" was tonight, and it went quite well, if I do say so myself. And then an excellent dinner with madre and Kev. Lordy, gotta love the fam. (: (yes, the adopted fam too.)
I've realized that when I get stressed, I turn my life into a book. Like, the voice in my head switches from first person to third person limited omniscient. Am I a total freak, or is this normal for people who devote their whole lives to reading? Food for thought.
ANYWAY. I am EXHAUSTED. So, bed now. <3
Thursday, February 10, 2011
The Butterfly (original)
fly away, love
you're beholden to no one
run as far, and as fast as you can
fly away, love
the summer is over
and the cold winter frost has control
although i love you,
i'm bound here with chains
more solid, and stronger than iron
although i love you,
i know i can't keep you
and your wild ethereal beauty
although i love you,
you're going to leave me
and i'm finally starting to see.
fly away, love
and pray to the sky
wrap yourself in a blanket of stars
fly away, love
from this sad lonely town
with all of it's melancholy people
fly away, love
to a place where the sun shines
and never again think of me
fly away love,
fly fly away
fly away, although i love you.
you're beholden to no one
run as far, and as fast as you can
fly away, love
the summer is over
and the cold winter frost has control
although i love you,
i'm bound here with chains
more solid, and stronger than iron
although i love you,
i know i can't keep you
and your wild ethereal beauty
although i love you,
you're going to leave me
and i'm finally starting to see.
fly away, love
and pray to the sky
wrap yourself in a blanket of stars
fly away, love
from this sad lonely town
with all of it's melancholy people
fly away, love
to a place where the sun shines
and never again think of me
fly away love,
fly fly away
fly away, although i love you.
Sunday, January 30, 2011
I really wish I didn't care.
I don't want to feel like this. I don't want to feel comfortable next to you. I don't want you to make me laugh. I don't want to love how warm you feel next to me when I'm freezing. I don't want to smile when you send me a secret message. I don't want to hear songs and think of you. I don't want the butterflies that erupt whenever you touch my hand. I don't want my heart to smile when you look into my eyes. I don't want to realize that this should have happened years ago. I don't want to hate that girl that I don't even know. I don't want to feel like talking to you is the easiest thing in the world. I don't want to want you as badly as I do.
Because, let's be honest: I'm setting myself up for failure. If I was naive again, I'd give in to it. I'd dance around my room and sing and float through the rest of the week. I'd laugh that after all of this time, thinking I'd never care about anyone again, I just saw you again and it clicked and I can't see how I ever cared about the first guy to begin with. I'd write you a song and sing it to you over the phone at midnight, softly, so I wouldn't wake anyone up. I'd tell all of my friends how tonight was amazing.
But instead, I'm shaken to the point of being seriously upset. You're going to destroy me. You make believe with me. Pretend like there's a chance, when you'd never even consider it. Not intentionally. I'm sure you like me. It's just the effort and logics of it. But I can't explain that to my heart, which is currently rebelling in my chest from being split into it's current confused state.
Fact is, we should face it. You don't want me; you want her. Whether you know it or not, you do. And that's what I'm waiting for. She wants you back- she's not stupid, obviously. And someday, she's gonna impress you. She's right there, and I'm not. And I want to run. I want to get as far away from you as fast as possible, but I can't. I'd give my life to be able to be with you all the time, to see you every day. It's just that I feel like you could be my best friend. I want to be open, I want to talk to you about everything that bothers me. But at the same time, I don't.
I don't know, I just can't decide whether to dance or cry.
Because, let's be honest: I'm setting myself up for failure. If I was naive again, I'd give in to it. I'd dance around my room and sing and float through the rest of the week. I'd laugh that after all of this time, thinking I'd never care about anyone again, I just saw you again and it clicked and I can't see how I ever cared about the first guy to begin with. I'd write you a song and sing it to you over the phone at midnight, softly, so I wouldn't wake anyone up. I'd tell all of my friends how tonight was amazing.
But instead, I'm shaken to the point of being seriously upset. You're going to destroy me. You make believe with me. Pretend like there's a chance, when you'd never even consider it. Not intentionally. I'm sure you like me. It's just the effort and logics of it. But I can't explain that to my heart, which is currently rebelling in my chest from being split into it's current confused state.
Fact is, we should face it. You don't want me; you want her. Whether you know it or not, you do. And that's what I'm waiting for. She wants you back- she's not stupid, obviously. And someday, she's gonna impress you. She's right there, and I'm not. And I want to run. I want to get as far away from you as fast as possible, but I can't. I'd give my life to be able to be with you all the time, to see you every day. It's just that I feel like you could be my best friend. I want to be open, I want to talk to you about everything that bothers me. But at the same time, I don't.
I don't know, I just can't decide whether to dance or cry.
Saturday, January 1, 2011
New Years Resolutions/Personal Credo
Haven't blogged in a while, I've been busy relaxing. ;D Thank goodness for winter break. But, since it is January 1, 2011 I will write my resolutions and my personal credo, like I should really do every year. :)
Resolutions
1. Start and end each day with half an hour of yoga.
2. Give up caffeine (a tall order, I know)
3. Eat healthier in general
4. Get a few sets down, so I can start taking gigs
5. Make All A's 2nd semester.
6. Have a total of 50 original songs.
7. Complete at least 5 items on my bucket list
8. Try to see the world through other's perspectives
9. Stop trying to convince people of my view.
10. Make new friends
11. Learn to cook
12. Stay positive
13. Forget him
14. Stop running away
15. Trust myself
Credo
Love - Love exists, in the way that the sky is blue- and that includes romantic love. However, I'm okay with waiting for it. I don't need to rush it, because it will come with time. I shouldn't settle for something that doesn't feel right.
Life- We're all mortal, we're all going to die. And it's okay.
Religion - I don't know right now, but I'm okay with not knowing. This is a huge topic, and it's okay for me to live day by day, finding out what I need to as it comes. For the moment, I enjoy learning about Buddhist philosophies.
Etc.- The things you focus on will manifest themselves in your life. A little time for clearing your mind each day is good. Friends are important- talk to them if a misunderstanding arises, instead of fighting. Highschool is just four years- don't feel like it's forever. Let life unfold before you and don't force anything. Being upset sometimes is okay. The point of life is to learn. <3
Resolutions
1. Start and end each day with half an hour of yoga.
2. Give up caffeine (a tall order, I know)
3. Eat healthier in general
4. Get a few sets down, so I can start taking gigs
5. Make All A's 2nd semester.
6. Have a total of 50 original songs.
7. Complete at least 5 items on my bucket list
8. Try to see the world through other's perspectives
9. Stop trying to convince people of my view.
10. Make new friends
11. Learn to cook
12. Stay positive
13. Forget him
14. Stop running away
15. Trust myself
Credo
Love - Love exists, in the way that the sky is blue- and that includes romantic love. However, I'm okay with waiting for it. I don't need to rush it, because it will come with time. I shouldn't settle for something that doesn't feel right.
Life- We're all mortal, we're all going to die. And it's okay.
Religion - I don't know right now, but I'm okay with not knowing. This is a huge topic, and it's okay for me to live day by day, finding out what I need to as it comes. For the moment, I enjoy learning about Buddhist philosophies.
Etc.- The things you focus on will manifest themselves in your life. A little time for clearing your mind each day is good. Friends are important- talk to them if a misunderstanding arises, instead of fighting. Highschool is just four years- don't feel like it's forever. Let life unfold before you and don't force anything. Being upset sometimes is okay. The point of life is to learn. <3
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